Man vs. Man

Since the end of July, my life seemed very routine and comfortable. I worked at a summer camp for kids Pre K- 5th grade. I resumed my English tutoring sessions with my German students, and all-in-all everything was mellow.

I preface my blog as such to create this drama-less picture that is my life. Occasionally, there are the unexpected and exciting bright spots in my life, such as buying an awesome outfit, hanging out with a great friend, or even taking an awesome trip. However, overall, my life is tragically simple and even at times predictable. I rarely ever face conflict, confusion, or any other forms of craziness. And yet, in this present time, I feel that my life is a weird place. I feel like I'm out of my element and I'm desperately trying to find myself in all the grayness.

I remember in many of my English classes my professors had encouraged my classmates and me to identify the varying conflicts that contribute to the plot of a story. I see myself in the breakdown within the main categories of conflicts: Man vs. Man, Man vs. Self, and Man vs. Technology/Machine.

I had my Man vs. Man battle royale with my best friend. It's strange and odd. I'm not accustomed to such a conflict because it's one that I'm not use to dealing with. I don't fight with people. Sometimes I have the occasional disagreement, but it rarely ever leads to an argument. I've found that I absolutely hate fighting with friends, especially when you see a side to a person that you never thought you would see. When I argued with my friend I tried really hard to see her perspective, for which I pride myself on. I've always been the kind of person that cares about the opinions of my closest friends because I trust that they will always be honest with me. I think in this situation, my issue with my friend came from built up tension with my friendship with my admirer. For those of you that keep up with my blog, I'm referring to the same "admirer" that I've been smitten with in my previous entries. And just to quickly interject, I think I'm going to give my crush, some sort of alternate name. As a cherished fan of Sex in the City, I feel like I'm channeling my inner Carrie Bradshaw in the aspect that I have a friendship with a person, a guy, that is very similar to Mr. Big. For those that aren't familiar with the show, just Google Mr. Big and I'm sure there will be some sort of summary that describes his roller coaster relationship with Carrie.

For me, I think I have a sort of Mr. Big chaos going on with my friend, so why draw inspiration from the show, take the name, and put my own spin on it? Let's call him Mr. Bill. Regardless, there's so much depth to this situation, and to uncover each layer would require me to write a book, and I'm too lazy for that. Ultimately, my friend doesn't want me to waste my time dealing with someone, she believes, that doesn't share my beliefs, my interests, and perspectives. Apparently, I'm living in some sort of fantasy world. Apparently I'm acting like a fool over someone that has no interest in being with me. It hurt like daggers to know that my best friend saw me in this light. Though her perspective seemed askew to me, I tried to see myself through the image she conveyed. Even after my conversation with her I did a lot of soul searching. Was I really this delusional? I think it's extremely hard to separate your romantic feelings from your friendship feelings. In regards to my relationship with Bill, I think I've always told myself that this is my friend and nothing more. I feel like the more I scream it in my head, the more my heart tells me something else. It sucks. It truly sucks, but no matter how much I hope that Bill will realize what he has in front of his face, setting aside my feelings, I've never treated him any differently than I would a close friend. I tried. I really tried to look myself in the mirror while my friend's words penetrated my mind and I ask myself, am I that girl?