There are a many parts of life that I absolutely love. For this situation, I'll cover two. I love when life's very aspects that seem predictable, shatter my perceptions. I also love facing the unknown--taking risks. These very risks develop into some major/minor crossroads that usually develop and make up our experiences.
As I've written before, I felt that I was going through a somewhat usual, but common situation. Of course, I was steadily becoming interested with someone that I felt probably didn't share the same feelings. I had been experiencing an internal conflict with my predicament. Like I said in my last blog, I knew it was going to be hard to express myself because I knew that I was becoming good friends with my admirer. I worried that because we were developing a great friendship, I was locking myself into the "Friend Box". Eventually, I decided that I wasn't going to let my fear of being trapped in the friend box deter me from saying how I actually feel.
The consequences of my debauched confession were utterly surprising.
Some nights ago, I decided to confront my "dilemma". Before making this decision, I of course tried to predict every possible outcome as realistically as I could. I knew I was risking many factors: number one, (a grave concern to me) ruining my friendship--which I knew I absolutely did not want to do; two, I thought that there could be a small chance that he could possibly feel the same for me (a really SMALL, TINY, SPECK of a chance); three, he would avoid me like the plague and (this goes without saying) treat me differently because of how I felt. Ultimately, I had to ask myself that even in considering all the plausible circumstances, is it worth it? Because of how I felt and because I didn't want to go through my life wondering "what if", I decided that I had to express my feelings.
Just to quickly interject, I always admire people that take emotional risks in life, considering the situation. It's really hard to tell people how you feel because... well let's just face it, we make ourselves vulnerable. Sometimes, we're burned or hurt so badly when we take such risks, that we begin to question the very thing(s) that prompted us to even fathom our decisions, such as deciding to confess our feelings, or deciding to jump into a relationship. When our risks don't produce favorable outcomes or positive experiences, we begin to live our lives in apprehension for fear of being hurt or disappointed. Personally, I hate feeling embarrassed, idiotic, and/or naive. Many people have made me feel that way at various points of my life.
I think I've learned from my mistakes in the past, and I came to realize that should my admirer not respect my feelings--should he make me feel ashamed or embarrassed, I shouldn't have him in my life. THE END. Flat out, I'm too old for games. I'm too old to associate myself with individuals that can't handle themselves maturely. I'm too old and I've worked too hard to let anyone make me feel like a fool because of my expressions.
So I took the plunge.
Wednesday, June 30, 2010
Tuesday, June 22, 2010
The Friend Box Part 2
As I said previously, my approach was askew. Once I realized that I had to put myself in check, I began to create an improved point of view to dating. First, I decided that I really needed to get to know a guy before I even think that there is an inkling of a chance of a relationship. Just as a general question, how can you know that you want a relationship with someone if you don't know anything about him or her? I don't think its possible really. So, to get back to the subject of the title of my blog, I thought it was important that I develop a meaningful friendship with any man I decide to be with. I soon came to the realization that this type of thinking has also landed me in trouble. Let me explain why.
First, I had this larger-than-life crush on my best friend. I'm sure it's happen to many people. The person you spend the most time with and feel most comfortable with, is bound to be the person you think you can truly connect to on different levels. Well, eventually I decided to tell my best friend that I really wanted a relationship with him. He informed me that he liked me as just a friend. Ok. I can accept that, not that I have a choice anyway.
After many discussions later, my best friend told me that for him, once he views you as a friend and he puts you in that box, or shall I say category, it's hard for him to view you as otherwise. I was confused and still am perplexed about his ideology.
A period of time later, I've started to develop an interest for someone else. To make a long story short, my current interest has dated a lot and has only had two serious relationships. Furthermore, he's never dated a friend, nor has he ever considered it--not that he is opposed to the idea. I guess the opportunity has never presented itself?
Ok, again.
Now, he doesn't know my feelings for him because I'm waiting for an appropriate time to tell him. I also want to still get to know him. After hearing the above, I was kinda concerned. He considers me his friend, and I the same; however, could I possibly be screwing up my chances by being his friend? The whole thing is quite baffling because I always thought that the most successful relationships came from two people who considered each other as best friends. And shouldn't that person you strive to date be a good friend to you? How can you be anything else when you can't even manage to be friends to begin with? I know I'm throwing out a lot of questions, but I'm really perplexed. Is it that we, as a society, are in too big of a rush to jump into relationships without truly dating and getting to know each other first? Are we scared of being single?
Of course I shall keep one and all updated on the outcome of my dilemma (if there even is one). I would just like some answers because I'm confused about how men approach relationships.
Is it possible to get out of the friend box and how do we do that?
Confusingly yours,
Jillian
First, I had this larger-than-life crush on my best friend. I'm sure it's happen to many people. The person you spend the most time with and feel most comfortable with, is bound to be the person you think you can truly connect to on different levels. Well, eventually I decided to tell my best friend that I really wanted a relationship with him. He informed me that he liked me as just a friend. Ok. I can accept that, not that I have a choice anyway.
After many discussions later, my best friend told me that for him, once he views you as a friend and he puts you in that box, or shall I say category, it's hard for him to view you as otherwise. I was confused and still am perplexed about his ideology.
A period of time later, I've started to develop an interest for someone else. To make a long story short, my current interest has dated a lot and has only had two serious relationships. Furthermore, he's never dated a friend, nor has he ever considered it--not that he is opposed to the idea. I guess the opportunity has never presented itself?
Ok, again.
Now, he doesn't know my feelings for him because I'm waiting for an appropriate time to tell him. I also want to still get to know him. After hearing the above, I was kinda concerned. He considers me his friend, and I the same; however, could I possibly be screwing up my chances by being his friend? The whole thing is quite baffling because I always thought that the most successful relationships came from two people who considered each other as best friends. And shouldn't that person you strive to date be a good friend to you? How can you be anything else when you can't even manage to be friends to begin with? I know I'm throwing out a lot of questions, but I'm really perplexed. Is it that we, as a society, are in too big of a rush to jump into relationships without truly dating and getting to know each other first? Are we scared of being single?
Of course I shall keep one and all updated on the outcome of my dilemma (if there even is one). I would just like some answers because I'm confused about how men approach relationships.
Is it possible to get out of the friend box and how do we do that?
Confusingly yours,
Jillian
The Friend Box Part 1
I want to start this out by first saying that boys are utterly confusing. Really. Let me preface this blog by first saying that I'm not trying to bash men. Not at all. I love men. I especially love men that have their act together and know exactly what they want. No games, no frills. Just a pipping hot dish of honesty with a side of individuality. What does this all mean and what does the title of my blog imply?
Well for starters, I've never had good luck with men and I'll be first to say that my dating life is practically non existent. I think that this is largely attributed to the fact that I've chosen the wrong type of men to even consider. For some reason, I have a strange feeling if any male should be reading this, he would probably be rolling his eyes at this point. Remember though, in my first blog I said I would try to stay as honest as possible, and when I look back at my past, I really feel that the individuals that I wanted something with, I chose for the wrong reasons. My demise was partly my fault because my approach was askew. Yes, I will take some blame. In the past I've tended to approach relationships from the physical stance instead of the emotional, or shall I say, friendship stance. When I was younger, I had this belief that in order for me to gain a guy's attention, I had to present some sort of physical compromise. Why I had this foolish ideology? I have no idea. I suppose I could blame it on society, but then again, I should have known better. To be more specific, I thought that in order to "reel" in a guy I had to present a sort of friends-with-benefits type of deal. I thought that if I could connect with a guy physically, then hopefully everything else will fall into place. Yes, I've burned myself a few times thinking that I could pull off this sort of lifestyle and pop out with a boyfriend at the end of the day. This leads me to the whole concept of the friends with benefits conundrum. Simply put, its rarely ever successful. Beware of this! Needless to say, I had to be honest with myself and realize that this type of lifestyle is not me--not to speak badly on others that can pull it off. I just can't.
After much consulting with myself and really getting in tuned with my needs, I realized that I really want a wholesome relationship. I also learned a few other things along the way. Like, guys don't want girls that can easily be had. They want someone that they can connect with, and someone that is more of a challenge. Perhaps in another blog, I will elaborate. After really grasping my discoveries and maturing my thought processes, I decided that I needed a fresh start.
Well for starters, I've never had good luck with men and I'll be first to say that my dating life is practically non existent. I think that this is largely attributed to the fact that I've chosen the wrong type of men to even consider. For some reason, I have a strange feeling if any male should be reading this, he would probably be rolling his eyes at this point. Remember though, in my first blog I said I would try to stay as honest as possible, and when I look back at my past, I really feel that the individuals that I wanted something with, I chose for the wrong reasons. My demise was partly my fault because my approach was askew. Yes, I will take some blame. In the past I've tended to approach relationships from the physical stance instead of the emotional, or shall I say, friendship stance. When I was younger, I had this belief that in order for me to gain a guy's attention, I had to present some sort of physical compromise. Why I had this foolish ideology? I have no idea. I suppose I could blame it on society, but then again, I should have known better. To be more specific, I thought that in order to "reel" in a guy I had to present a sort of friends-with-benefits type of deal. I thought that if I could connect with a guy physically, then hopefully everything else will fall into place. Yes, I've burned myself a few times thinking that I could pull off this sort of lifestyle and pop out with a boyfriend at the end of the day. This leads me to the whole concept of the friends with benefits conundrum. Simply put, its rarely ever successful. Beware of this! Needless to say, I had to be honest with myself and realize that this type of lifestyle is not me--not to speak badly on others that can pull it off. I just can't.
After much consulting with myself and really getting in tuned with my needs, I realized that I really want a wholesome relationship. I also learned a few other things along the way. Like, guys don't want girls that can easily be had. They want someone that they can connect with, and someone that is more of a challenge. Perhaps in another blog, I will elaborate. After really grasping my discoveries and maturing my thought processes, I decided that I needed a fresh start.
Monday, June 21, 2010
The Summer Days of June
My summer break has been anything but a break. Currently, I'm working as a camp counselor and I have actually come to have a very lofty love/hate relationship with it. A few benefits of working my job are that I mentor/guide an amazing bunch of kids. I'm able to live on my college campus. I'm also able to develop some amazing friendships. My amazing kids are somewhat an usual case. Of course when you work in a program structured just for rising juniors and seniors, there is bound to be a type of living perfectly fit for a reality show program. Really, can I contact MTV, VH1, or Fox perhaps? Despite the fact that some of them may disturb my spirit in many ways, I ultimately enjoy their company. It's amazing how much I can see myself in some of my children. For instance, I've beheld glimpses into what use to be my naivety, curiousness, and a bit of conceit.
Oh to be a high schooler... Those are definitely times I'm more than happy to not re-live, and I'm sure that most of you can agree.
I've often heard people refer to their high school days as their "glory" years. I've found that those that have succumbed to such confusions have wasted away most of their own adult years. Now, let's not misconstrue my mentality. It is very possible to miss certain experiences and aspects of high school. Personally, I miss conversing with some of my peers, traveling to various band competitions (yes, I was the ultimate band geek), and the rebellious thrill of sneakily talking to boys knowing that if caught, my mother would literally slit my throat. I miss the teeming football games that inevitably collided with the smells of concession food and swirls of the fall night air. Although these memories seem full of all the right fluffiness that could be described for days, it's abruptly halted by bittersweet thoughts of my teenage naivety. I was the very epitome of an ignorant adolescent. I thought my mother was out to make my life utterly miserable, so I acted out in ways that I ( when looking back) regret. I also spent more time focusing on my social life than my academics, although, I was every bit of an honor student.
To pull this blog back full circle, my kids, while they are here, are my life. I've found myself wanting them to be as successful as possible, but then I see that many lack the seriousness and drive that it takes to be successful through college. How can I judge though? How imprudent was I? How selfish was I? I think that this experience has truly taught me that it's important to stress the importance of tolerance and unity among my future students when I start teaching. I'm reminded that although a big part of being a teenager is to possess the "invincibility" attitude, it's also recognizing that you truly don't know everything. I suppose that actuality will eventually come in life after the fairy tale ends, and all the tings that molded you as a child start to melt away.
I suppose a bit of my nurturing side wants my students to safely soak up every bit of life like a dry sponge. I want them to resist the mindless drama and discover that they can teach each other if they are willing. Ultimately, the reality is that they must, just as I, hit their own brick wall.
That isn't a terrible thing.
-J
Oh to be a high schooler... Those are definitely times I'm more than happy to not re-live, and I'm sure that most of you can agree.
I've often heard people refer to their high school days as their "glory" years. I've found that those that have succumbed to such confusions have wasted away most of their own adult years. Now, let's not misconstrue my mentality. It is very possible to miss certain experiences and aspects of high school. Personally, I miss conversing with some of my peers, traveling to various band competitions (yes, I was the ultimate band geek), and the rebellious thrill of sneakily talking to boys knowing that if caught, my mother would literally slit my throat. I miss the teeming football games that inevitably collided with the smells of concession food and swirls of the fall night air. Although these memories seem full of all the right fluffiness that could be described for days, it's abruptly halted by bittersweet thoughts of my teenage naivety. I was the very epitome of an ignorant adolescent. I thought my mother was out to make my life utterly miserable, so I acted out in ways that I ( when looking back) regret. I also spent more time focusing on my social life than my academics, although, I was every bit of an honor student.
To pull this blog back full circle, my kids, while they are here, are my life. I've found myself wanting them to be as successful as possible, but then I see that many lack the seriousness and drive that it takes to be successful through college. How can I judge though? How imprudent was I? How selfish was I? I think that this experience has truly taught me that it's important to stress the importance of tolerance and unity among my future students when I start teaching. I'm reminded that although a big part of being a teenager is to possess the "invincibility" attitude, it's also recognizing that you truly don't know everything. I suppose that actuality will eventually come in life after the fairy tale ends, and all the tings that molded you as a child start to melt away.
I suppose a bit of my nurturing side wants my students to safely soak up every bit of life like a dry sponge. I want them to resist the mindless drama and discover that they can teach each other if they are willing. Ultimately, the reality is that they must, just as I, hit their own brick wall.
That isn't a terrible thing.
-J
Monday, June 14, 2010
i think i'm ready
I've been motivated and inspired to start journaling again. I stopped sometime around my freshman year of college, I believe... perhaps even earlier. Needless to say, I felt this urge to start writing again, though my grammar tends to be atrocious. The unfortunate irony of this is that I recently graudated with a degree in Enlgish education. The way I see it, I'm entitled to make mistakes with this journal. Some intentional, Some not. This isn't intended to be anything formal, so yes, your criticisms aren't needed. I don't need for you to implicate me with the obvious.
Despite my "unique" writing style, I think my desire to write began with my frequent writing of letters to one of my dearest friends during any downtime I received in and outside of school. Anytime I had something on my mind I would write a letter to Mollee. The odd thing about this, however, is that she has yet to receive anything I have written. This ridiculousness is attributed to my age old forgetfulness at, soon-to-be 24 (I'm expecting to have arthritis at any moment now). I've hoped that procrastination would decide to give me a break and allow me to compile my ramblings, wrapped with some sort of simple colored ribbon. Mind you, I knew that presenting letters to Mollee would be something someone would seldom appreciate. Mollee, being the aspiring English graduate that she is, embodies the very qualities that make up someone that shares a passion for reading and writing. I knew she would love to read my writing now matter how awful, how confusing, or maybe even how extradordinary it may potentially be. I figured to pay honor to such enthusiasm; I would pay a subtle tribute to her by entitling my journal as such.
Another prevalent motivator is my dear friend Ashley Smith. After reading one of her blogs, I felt that her expressions, passions, feelings and irriatations had a great affect on me. Of course I have to interject by encouraging any and all persons to read her blogs at: http://blackdiamond2008.blogspot.com/ Trust, you will relate to something she expresses. I can only hope to be as fluid, expressive, and honest.
I hope that those reading, no matter how few or how many, understand that the intention of this journal is not for mere entertainment, althought to find humor or something utterly hysteric in the complexity of my life is bound to happen. I welcome the occasion. I intend to write as much as I can while the motivation still beckons my attention. I need to vent... to express my ideologies as means of finding some understanding about my thought processes and actions, as well as to shed some light on how even the strangest, or minor of person I encouter, adds some fascination or possibly even "horror" to my life. With that being said, I welcome any advice/response on any entry I type. If I wrote anything that surprisingly moved you, connected with you, or concerned you, I am interested in knowing.
I think I'm ready for this journey--no matter how ridculous or exciting it may be. Welcome to my life, buckle up.
-Jill
Despite my "unique" writing style, I think my desire to write began with my frequent writing of letters to one of my dearest friends during any downtime I received in and outside of school. Anytime I had something on my mind I would write a letter to Mollee. The odd thing about this, however, is that she has yet to receive anything I have written. This ridiculousness is attributed to my age old forgetfulness at, soon-to-be 24 (I'm expecting to have arthritis at any moment now). I've hoped that procrastination would decide to give me a break and allow me to compile my ramblings, wrapped with some sort of simple colored ribbon. Mind you, I knew that presenting letters to Mollee would be something someone would seldom appreciate. Mollee, being the aspiring English graduate that she is, embodies the very qualities that make up someone that shares a passion for reading and writing. I knew she would love to read my writing now matter how awful, how confusing, or maybe even how extradordinary it may potentially be. I figured to pay honor to such enthusiasm; I would pay a subtle tribute to her by entitling my journal as such.
Another prevalent motivator is my dear friend Ashley Smith. After reading one of her blogs, I felt that her expressions, passions, feelings and irriatations had a great affect on me. Of course I have to interject by encouraging any and all persons to read her blogs at: http://blackdiamond2008.blogspot.com/ Trust, you will relate to something she expresses. I can only hope to be as fluid, expressive, and honest.
I hope that those reading, no matter how few or how many, understand that the intention of this journal is not for mere entertainment, althought to find humor or something utterly hysteric in the complexity of my life is bound to happen. I welcome the occasion. I intend to write as much as I can while the motivation still beckons my attention. I need to vent... to express my ideologies as means of finding some understanding about my thought processes and actions, as well as to shed some light on how even the strangest, or minor of person I encouter, adds some fascination or possibly even "horror" to my life. With that being said, I welcome any advice/response on any entry I type. If I wrote anything that surprisingly moved you, connected with you, or concerned you, I am interested in knowing.
I think I'm ready for this journey--no matter how ridculous or exciting it may be. Welcome to my life, buckle up.
-Jill
Subscribe to:
Posts (Atom)