"Where would you like to eat?"
"Girl, you can pick wherever. I'm not too hungry because I ate a late breakfast at the hotel."
We pull up to Zaxby's. As we walk in, the change in temperatures was evident--the air was frigidly cold. After Fred ordered and picked up her food, we sat in a booth and talked.
When someone close to you experiences a death, I've always found that the best way to show that person that you truly care is just to provide he or she with as much space as needed and offer your support. Also, it doesn't hurt to listen or to be the shoulder to cry on. Whatever you do, take my advice and not ask the dastardly "how are you feeling" question. Whether they show it or not, of course they are a upset--a person just died. No need asking questions with obvious answers.
While at lunch and even after I dropped her back off at the center, I started thinking about life and how it can be abruptly ended. I even started to type out a mass text to my friends, but then I stopped and found that it would be more fitting for me to express my thoughts in a blog. I didn't know Darrian, but I pray that his family finds comfort and peace in such a unimaginable situation.
Initially I was apprehensive, but I'm happy that I decided to take this trip with Fred so that I could be here for her. Going back, when I think about Darrian's death, I think about how important it is to appreciate life and the people that are in it. I don't tell my family and friends everyday, but I try to make an effort to show them how much I love and care for them.
To any of my close friends, and you know who you are, I love you and my life is wonderfully complicated, interesting, fun, and amazing because of you. You inspire and challenge me to be better and think better. You also challenge me to embrace my potential and strive for greatness. I couldn't imagine a me without you in my life. Thank you.
Should anyone that was close to Darrian read this, I'm truly sorry for your loss.
As a request and a reminder to even myself, please enjoy as much of your life as you can. Life is too short for pettiness and drama. Leave it and your pride at the back door. Tomorrow isn't promised, we aren't as invincible as we may think. Go out and see the world! Do what makes you happy, appreciate those that are close to you, and please express yourself to those that are close to you in the best way you possibly can.
With much love and adoration,
Jillian
Thursday, July 22, 2010
The Death of Darrian Part 1
I woke up this morning only to find myself hacking up a lung due to some fate of sickness I think I've obtained from one of my pre-K children at camp. Surprisingly, after coughing up a few times I found that I felt remarkably better. I also could feel myself regaining some of my appetite which had been lost to honey lemon cough drops and cherry flavor Theraflu. Why not take advantage of the complimentary breakfast in the hotel? It's currently 9:30AM and the continental breakfast ends at 10AM. I hurriedly brush my teeth, and throw on my clothes. I take a hard look at my face in the mirror. Great, the pink is slowly returning back to my pale cheeks. I don't look as sickly and exhausted as I have these past few days. I walk out the door and rush into an empty lobby filled with aromas of freshly brewed coffee and scrambled eggs.
"Thank goodness... I can enjoy my breakfast in peace."
After making my waffle, I scoop a generous amount of eggs onto my plate and proceed to make my coffee. Once I'm satisfied with my breakfast selection I contemplate where to enjoy my food amongst the rows of table.
Finally, I decide to sit at a cozy looking two seater table over by the window. As I'm settling myself I hear the intro music to The View.
"Nothing like a battle between Hasselbeck and Whoopi to liven up a late morning breakfast."
****************
As I'm finishing up my morning coffee, I receive a phone call from my best friend.
"Girl, you up?"
"Yeah, I'm just finishing up my breakfast. What's up?"
"We are on a quick lunch break. I have to be back at the center a little after twelve, and the teacher expects us to be here, on time, so I'm coming to pick you up. Be outside, I'm three minutes away."
"No problem."
I look at my cell and notice that the time is 11:15AM. I throw away my coffee cup and walk back to the room to get my handbag and among other things my sanitizer as to not infect my friend. After stepping out the room, I make my way past the front desk and out the main entrance. The heat is excessive. As I start to make my silent prayer that my friend was as close as she stated, she quickly pulls her blue Chevy Cobalt around the corner.
As I get into the car, I notice the redness in her eyes, though her demeanor doesn't seem overly disheveled. Before I can say anything, she quickly pulls away from the hotel and says, "Freda called me earlier today and asked me if I knew what was going on with Darrian."
"Who is Darrian?"
"Wesley's brother. I didn't know what she was talking about, so I called Wesley and asked him what was going on. Wesley told me that Darrian was dead. I just asked him what he meant by that. Wesley then told me that Darrian was shot in the head in the driveway. I couldn't even ask him many questions because I could feel myself starting to cry and Wesley was so calm."
"What!? Do they know who it was?"
"They believe it was someone close."
"It has to be. Was he involved in anything?"
"Girl, I don't know, I couldn't ask anything because I was trying to keep it together."
Silence. Pause.
I looked at Fred and her eyes were filled to the brim, yet she still looked strong.
"Thank goodness... I can enjoy my breakfast in peace."
After making my waffle, I scoop a generous amount of eggs onto my plate and proceed to make my coffee. Once I'm satisfied with my breakfast selection I contemplate where to enjoy my food amongst the rows of table.
Finally, I decide to sit at a cozy looking two seater table over by the window. As I'm settling myself I hear the intro music to The View.
"Nothing like a battle between Hasselbeck and Whoopi to liven up a late morning breakfast."
****************
As I'm finishing up my morning coffee, I receive a phone call from my best friend.
"Girl, you up?"
"Yeah, I'm just finishing up my breakfast. What's up?"
"We are on a quick lunch break. I have to be back at the center a little after twelve, and the teacher expects us to be here, on time, so I'm coming to pick you up. Be outside, I'm three minutes away."
"No problem."
I look at my cell and notice that the time is 11:15AM. I throw away my coffee cup and walk back to the room to get my handbag and among other things my sanitizer as to not infect my friend. After stepping out the room, I make my way past the front desk and out the main entrance. The heat is excessive. As I start to make my silent prayer that my friend was as close as she stated, she quickly pulls her blue Chevy Cobalt around the corner.
As I get into the car, I notice the redness in her eyes, though her demeanor doesn't seem overly disheveled. Before I can say anything, she quickly pulls away from the hotel and says, "Freda called me earlier today and asked me if I knew what was going on with Darrian."
"Who is Darrian?"
"Wesley's brother. I didn't know what she was talking about, so I called Wesley and asked him what was going on. Wesley told me that Darrian was dead. I just asked him what he meant by that. Wesley then told me that Darrian was shot in the head in the driveway. I couldn't even ask him many questions because I could feel myself starting to cry and Wesley was so calm."
"What!? Do they know who it was?"
"They believe it was someone close."
"It has to be. Was he involved in anything?"
"Girl, I don't know, I couldn't ask anything because I was trying to keep it together."
Silence. Pause.
I looked at Fred and her eyes were filled to the brim, yet she still looked strong.
Tuesday, July 6, 2010
Underestimation Part 3
He said he was cool with everything. Simple enough and I'm satisfied with that. Quite honestly, I didn't expect for him to be as chill and mature about the situation as he was. I was amazed that he never treated me differently even though he knew how I felt this whole time. I find that it's easy for people to unexpectedly pull away when they discover that you have some sort of feelings for them and they feel the opposite. At that particular moment, I actually assumed that once I told him how I felt, it would alter the relationship that we currently had. I assumed that he would quit talking to me; I assumed that he would distance himself; I assumed that he would pretend that I didn't exist. None of those things happened. If anything, I felt that by finally admitting my feelings, the air was cleared, and that gray cloud of awkwardness that tends to permeate such atmospheres never surfaced. It was nice. I felt relieved. No, I didn't get what I wanted, but I didn't lose anything either in the process.
All in all, I learned somethings from this situation even though I feel that I'm at a different place with my friend, currently (this particular story took place a couple of weeks ago). I feel that it's best to always be honest and open with people when you start to feel something differently-- whether positive or negative. This could be in a relationship, friendship, whatever. I feel that in being honest and open, especially when the moment seems conducive, it saves a lot of time and hopefully cuts down on all the anticipation and wonder (at least in my case).
I also learned that there is nothing wrong with taking the time to get to know people. I've found that most serious relationships fail because we really didn't know what we were getting into in the beginning (in not all, but many circumstances). As John Legend says, "We're ordinary people, maybe we should take it slow..." Yes, some may put you in the "Friend Box", and sometimes you'll never come out, but maybe that isn't a bad thing. A good friend once told me that sometimes you have to go through a bunch of crappy relationships and hook-ups to realize what you have, or maybe even had, to begin with.
Furthermore, as I've mentioned before, I know how it feels to be burned by others because people change. Sometimes, we don't get the results we want. I feel that when things like this happen, surround yourself with positive people. Trust, it makes all of the difference.
At the end of the day, we are human. Some of us are more sensitive than others. No matter how strong we may act, normally, typically, it's just a front. It's just a mask. We aren't suppose to show that we are hurt, sad, dismayed, etc. Sometimes our friends, or maybe even society, expect us to quickly pretend that something or someone didn't exist. Sometimes, people just don't understand. Once again, find what gives you the most comfort in any given situation, and always try to anticipate your reaction, or the worse case of scenario in a given situation. If you know you can't handle "rejection" well, then you may want to consider if it's worth even saying how you feel. Sometimes, it best not knowing. Sometimes, it's best to just let things happen naturally (I struggle with this most). It's also possible for people's feelings to change. It's all in a days work. Just remember what I said. Stay honest, real, and true to yourself.
No matter the challenges or rejections, no matter the disappointments, no matter the numerous "Friend Boxes" you're placed in, never be scared to take a risk--never give up on love, and I truly mean that.
-Jill Renee
All in all, I learned somethings from this situation even though I feel that I'm at a different place with my friend, currently (this particular story took place a couple of weeks ago). I feel that it's best to always be honest and open with people when you start to feel something differently-- whether positive or negative. This could be in a relationship, friendship, whatever. I feel that in being honest and open, especially when the moment seems conducive, it saves a lot of time and hopefully cuts down on all the anticipation and wonder (at least in my case).
I also learned that there is nothing wrong with taking the time to get to know people. I've found that most serious relationships fail because we really didn't know what we were getting into in the beginning (in not all, but many circumstances). As John Legend says, "We're ordinary people, maybe we should take it slow..." Yes, some may put you in the "Friend Box", and sometimes you'll never come out, but maybe that isn't a bad thing. A good friend once told me that sometimes you have to go through a bunch of crappy relationships and hook-ups to realize what you have, or maybe even had, to begin with.
Furthermore, as I've mentioned before, I know how it feels to be burned by others because people change. Sometimes, we don't get the results we want. I feel that when things like this happen, surround yourself with positive people. Trust, it makes all of the difference.
At the end of the day, we are human. Some of us are more sensitive than others. No matter how strong we may act, normally, typically, it's just a front. It's just a mask. We aren't suppose to show that we are hurt, sad, dismayed, etc. Sometimes our friends, or maybe even society, expect us to quickly pretend that something or someone didn't exist. Sometimes, people just don't understand. Once again, find what gives you the most comfort in any given situation, and always try to anticipate your reaction, or the worse case of scenario in a given situation. If you know you can't handle "rejection" well, then you may want to consider if it's worth even saying how you feel. Sometimes, it best not knowing. Sometimes, it's best to just let things happen naturally (I struggle with this most). It's also possible for people's feelings to change. It's all in a days work. Just remember what I said. Stay honest, real, and true to yourself.
No matter the challenges or rejections, no matter the disappointments, no matter the numerous "Friend Boxes" you're placed in, never be scared to take a risk--never give up on love, and I truly mean that.
-Jill Renee
Saturday, July 3, 2010
Underestimation Part 2
After many conversations with a few good friends, I decided that instead of procrastinating my confession, I would take advantage of my next time out with my admirer, and if the opportunity presented itself, I would come out with it. Simple as that.
The night started out as it normally would. It was a very warm and starry evening. I, naturally, made sure that I looked as fabulous as I normally would when I take a night out downtown. Underneath all the glamour, I felt like a nervous wreck.
When we finally arrived at our destination, most of the night was as chill as it typically is when we go out. We conversed about religion and politics. We ranted about the ins and outs of our job. We briefly talked about our past relationships--I suppose the successes and failures. I think it was around that topic that I attempted to muster up the courage to say what I felt. I was a mess really. Nothing would come out! At that brief moment in time, my mind raced! Gah! I have no idea why I was so nervous! I mean, this shouldn't be too hard right? I think the whole part of the night that completely caught me off guard was this insane grin that he wore on his face. Like he knew.
After a matter of minutes, which, for me felt like hours, he interjected that he knew what I wanted to say. So then I would sheepishly mutter that there was no point in me saying what I have to say if he knew what I was feeling. To which, he replied that he wanted me to go ahead and say what I have say. Yes, we jokingly went back and forth for a few seconds.
I finally told him about this conversation that I had with one of my friends in which he was one of the central topics. By the end of the conversation, at that particular point of time, I came to the conclusion that I didn't have any feelings for him then because I didn't know him; however, that since then I felt that my feelings had changed. I stopped. I couldn't bring myself to say more, I couldn't bring myself to ask him out on a date or anything like that because of that stupid, insane grin he had on his face!
He responded by telling me that he had already known how I felt for him. When he said this, I was puzzled and a bit irritated! How could this be so?
He takes out his phone and shows me a text message that I typed perhaps a week or so ago. The text basically said that I was starting to develop feelings for him, but that I wanted to conceal those feelings for the time being.
If it was practical to inflect some sort of physical abuse to my body, I would have at the very moment--I wanted to slap myself. After reading this message, I laughed at the irony that is my life. My mind went blank for moments and amist all of the laughter, I hung my head with embarrassment. I made, what I had felt, a colossal error!
I have a friend that tended to send text messages to the very people she would be talking about, accidentally. I remember the many circumstances in which I would berate her for making such mistakes. How did I just do the same thing? Normally when I send out text messages, especially when they are about a certain subject, I'm meticulous about making sure I send it out to the right people. Once again, how did I make this mistake? Carelessness I suppose. I honestly think my subconscious is to blame.
I loathe it in the most loving way.
The night started out as it normally would. It was a very warm and starry evening. I, naturally, made sure that I looked as fabulous as I normally would when I take a night out downtown. Underneath all the glamour, I felt like a nervous wreck.
When we finally arrived at our destination, most of the night was as chill as it typically is when we go out. We conversed about religion and politics. We ranted about the ins and outs of our job. We briefly talked about our past relationships--I suppose the successes and failures. I think it was around that topic that I attempted to muster up the courage to say what I felt. I was a mess really. Nothing would come out! At that brief moment in time, my mind raced! Gah! I have no idea why I was so nervous! I mean, this shouldn't be too hard right? I think the whole part of the night that completely caught me off guard was this insane grin that he wore on his face. Like he knew.
After a matter of minutes, which, for me felt like hours, he interjected that he knew what I wanted to say. So then I would sheepishly mutter that there was no point in me saying what I have to say if he knew what I was feeling. To which, he replied that he wanted me to go ahead and say what I have say. Yes, we jokingly went back and forth for a few seconds.
I finally told him about this conversation that I had with one of my friends in which he was one of the central topics. By the end of the conversation, at that particular point of time, I came to the conclusion that I didn't have any feelings for him then because I didn't know him; however, that since then I felt that my feelings had changed. I stopped. I couldn't bring myself to say more, I couldn't bring myself to ask him out on a date or anything like that because of that stupid, insane grin he had on his face!
He responded by telling me that he had already known how I felt for him. When he said this, I was puzzled and a bit irritated! How could this be so?
He takes out his phone and shows me a text message that I typed perhaps a week or so ago. The text basically said that I was starting to develop feelings for him, but that I wanted to conceal those feelings for the time being.
If it was practical to inflect some sort of physical abuse to my body, I would have at the very moment--I wanted to slap myself. After reading this message, I laughed at the irony that is my life. My mind went blank for moments and amist all of the laughter, I hung my head with embarrassment. I made, what I had felt, a colossal error!
I have a friend that tended to send text messages to the very people she would be talking about, accidentally. I remember the many circumstances in which I would berate her for making such mistakes. How did I just do the same thing? Normally when I send out text messages, especially when they are about a certain subject, I'm meticulous about making sure I send it out to the right people. Once again, how did I make this mistake? Carelessness I suppose. I honestly think my subconscious is to blame.
I loathe it in the most loving way.
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