After many conversations with a few good friends, I decided that instead of procrastinating my confession, I would take advantage of my next time out with my admirer, and if the opportunity presented itself, I would come out with it. Simple as that.
The night started out as it normally would. It was a very warm and starry evening. I, naturally, made sure that I looked as fabulous as I normally would when I take a night out downtown. Underneath all the glamour, I felt like a nervous wreck.
When we finally arrived at our destination, most of the night was as chill as it typically is when we go out. We conversed about religion and politics. We ranted about the ins and outs of our job. We briefly talked about our past relationships--I suppose the successes and failures. I think it was around that topic that I attempted to muster up the courage to say what I felt. I was a mess really. Nothing would come out! At that brief moment in time, my mind raced! Gah! I have no idea why I was so nervous! I mean, this shouldn't be too hard right? I think the whole part of the night that completely caught me off guard was this insane grin that he wore on his face. Like he knew.
After a matter of minutes, which, for me felt like hours, he interjected that he knew what I wanted to say. So then I would sheepishly mutter that there was no point in me saying what I have to say if he knew what I was feeling. To which, he replied that he wanted me to go ahead and say what I have say. Yes, we jokingly went back and forth for a few seconds.
I finally told him about this conversation that I had with one of my friends in which he was one of the central topics. By the end of the conversation, at that particular point of time, I came to the conclusion that I didn't have any feelings for him then because I didn't know him; however, that since then I felt that my feelings had changed. I stopped. I couldn't bring myself to say more, I couldn't bring myself to ask him out on a date or anything like that because of that stupid, insane grin he had on his face!
He responded by telling me that he had already known how I felt for him. When he said this, I was puzzled and a bit irritated! How could this be so?
He takes out his phone and shows me a text message that I typed perhaps a week or so ago. The text basically said that I was starting to develop feelings for him, but that I wanted to conceal those feelings for the time being.
If it was practical to inflect some sort of physical abuse to my body, I would have at the very moment--I wanted to slap myself. After reading this message, I laughed at the irony that is my life. My mind went blank for moments and amist all of the laughter, I hung my head with embarrassment. I made, what I had felt, a colossal error!
I have a friend that tended to send text messages to the very people she would be talking about, accidentally. I remember the many circumstances in which I would berate her for making such mistakes. How did I just do the same thing? Normally when I send out text messages, especially when they are about a certain subject, I'm meticulous about making sure I send it out to the right people. Once again, how did I make this mistake? Carelessness I suppose. I honestly think my subconscious is to blame.
I loathe it in the most loving way.
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