Man vs. Man

Since the end of July, my life seemed very routine and comfortable. I worked at a summer camp for kids Pre K- 5th grade. I resumed my English tutoring sessions with my German students, and all-in-all everything was mellow.

I preface my blog as such to create this drama-less picture that is my life. Occasionally, there are the unexpected and exciting bright spots in my life, such as buying an awesome outfit, hanging out with a great friend, or even taking an awesome trip. However, overall, my life is tragically simple and even at times predictable. I rarely ever face conflict, confusion, or any other forms of craziness. And yet, in this present time, I feel that my life is a weird place. I feel like I'm out of my element and I'm desperately trying to find myself in all the grayness.

I remember in many of my English classes my professors had encouraged my classmates and me to identify the varying conflicts that contribute to the plot of a story. I see myself in the breakdown within the main categories of conflicts: Man vs. Man, Man vs. Self, and Man vs. Technology/Machine.

I had my Man vs. Man battle royale with my best friend. It's strange and odd. I'm not accustomed to such a conflict because it's one that I'm not use to dealing with. I don't fight with people. Sometimes I have the occasional disagreement, but it rarely ever leads to an argument. I've found that I absolutely hate fighting with friends, especially when you see a side to a person that you never thought you would see. When I argued with my friend I tried really hard to see her perspective, for which I pride myself on. I've always been the kind of person that cares about the opinions of my closest friends because I trust that they will always be honest with me. I think in this situation, my issue with my friend came from built up tension with my friendship with my admirer. For those of you that keep up with my blog, I'm referring to the same "admirer" that I've been smitten with in my previous entries. And just to quickly interject, I think I'm going to give my crush, some sort of alternate name. As a cherished fan of Sex in the City, I feel like I'm channeling my inner Carrie Bradshaw in the aspect that I have a friendship with a person, a guy, that is very similar to Mr. Big. For those that aren't familiar with the show, just Google Mr. Big and I'm sure there will be some sort of summary that describes his roller coaster relationship with Carrie.

For me, I think I have a sort of Mr. Big chaos going on with my friend, so why draw inspiration from the show, take the name, and put my own spin on it? Let's call him Mr. Bill. Regardless, there's so much depth to this situation, and to uncover each layer would require me to write a book, and I'm too lazy for that. Ultimately, my friend doesn't want me to waste my time dealing with someone, she believes, that doesn't share my beliefs, my interests, and perspectives. Apparently, I'm living in some sort of fantasy world. Apparently I'm acting like a fool over someone that has no interest in being with me. It hurt like daggers to know that my best friend saw me in this light. Though her perspective seemed askew to me, I tried to see myself through the image she conveyed. Even after my conversation with her I did a lot of soul searching. Was I really this delusional? I think it's extremely hard to separate your romantic feelings from your friendship feelings. In regards to my relationship with Bill, I think I've always told myself that this is my friend and nothing more. I feel like the more I scream it in my head, the more my heart tells me something else. It sucks. It truly sucks, but no matter how much I hope that Bill will realize what he has in front of his face, setting aside my feelings, I've never treated him any differently than I would a close friend. I tried. I really tried to look myself in the mirror while my friend's words penetrated my mind and I ask myself, am I that girl?

The Death of Darrian Part 2

"Where would you like to eat?"

"Girl, you can pick wherever. I'm not too hungry because I ate a late breakfast at the hotel."

We pull up to Zaxby's. As we walk in, the change in temperatures was evident--the air was frigidly cold. After Fred ordered and picked up her food, we sat in a booth and talked.

When someone close to you experiences a death, I've always found that the best way to show that person that you truly care is just to provide he or she with as much space as needed and offer your support. Also, it doesn't hurt to listen or to be the shoulder to cry on. Whatever you do, take my advice and not ask the dastardly "how are you feeling" question. Whether they show it or not, of course they are a upset--a person just died. No need asking questions with obvious answers.

While at lunch and even after I dropped her back off at the center, I started thinking about life and how it can be abruptly ended. I even started to type out a mass text to my friends, but then I stopped and found that it would be more fitting for me to express my thoughts in a blog. I didn't know Darrian, but I pray that his family finds comfort and peace in such a unimaginable situation.

Initially I was apprehensive, but I'm happy that I decided to take this trip with Fred so that I could be here for her. Going back, when I think about Darrian's death, I think about how important it is to appreciate life and the people that are in it. I don't tell my family and friends everyday, but I try to make an effort to show them how much I love and care for them.

To any of my close friends, and you know who you are, I love you and my life is wonderfully complicated, interesting, fun, and amazing because of you. You inspire and challenge me to be better and think better. You also challenge me to embrace my potential and strive for greatness. I couldn't imagine a me without you in my life. Thank you.

Should anyone that was close to Darrian read this, I'm truly sorry for your loss.

As a request and a reminder to even myself, please enjoy as much of your life as you can. Life is too short for pettiness and drama. Leave it and your pride at the back door. Tomorrow isn't promised, we aren't as invincible as we may think. Go out and see the world! Do what makes you happy, appreciate those that are close to you, and please express yourself to those that are close to you in the best way you possibly can.

With much love and adoration,
Jillian

The Death of Darrian Part 1

I woke up this morning only to find myself hacking up a lung due to some fate of sickness I think I've obtained from one of my pre-K children at camp. Surprisingly, after coughing up a few times I found that I felt remarkably better. I also could feel myself regaining some of my appetite which had been lost to honey lemon cough drops and cherry flavor Theraflu. Why not take advantage of the complimentary breakfast in the hotel? It's currently 9:30AM and the continental breakfast ends at 10AM. I hurriedly brush my teeth, and throw on my clothes. I take a hard look at my face in the mirror. Great, the pink is slowly returning back to my pale cheeks. I don't look as sickly and exhausted as I have these past few days. I walk out the door and rush into an empty lobby filled with aromas of freshly brewed coffee and scrambled eggs.
"Thank goodness... I can enjoy my breakfast in peace."
After making my waffle, I scoop a generous amount of eggs onto my plate and proceed to make my coffee. Once I'm satisfied with my breakfast selection I contemplate where to enjoy my food amongst the rows of table.
Finally, I decide to sit at a cozy looking two seater table over by the window. As I'm settling myself I hear the intro music to The View.
"Nothing like a battle between Hasselbeck and Whoopi to liven up a late morning breakfast."
****************
As I'm finishing up my morning coffee, I receive a phone call from my best friend.
"Girl, you up?"
"Yeah, I'm just finishing up my breakfast. What's up?"
"We are on a quick lunch break. I have to be back at the center a little after twelve, and the teacher expects us to be here, on time, so I'm coming to pick you up. Be outside, I'm three minutes away."
"No problem."
I look at my cell and notice that the time is 11:15AM. I throw away my coffee cup and walk back to the room to get my handbag and among other things my sanitizer as to not infect my friend. After stepping out the room, I make my way past the front desk and out the main entrance. The heat is excessive. As I start to make my silent prayer that my friend was as close as she stated, she quickly pulls her blue Chevy Cobalt around the corner.
As I get into the car, I notice the redness in her eyes, though her demeanor doesn't seem overly disheveled. Before I can say anything, she quickly pulls away from the hotel and says, "Freda called me earlier today and asked me if I knew what was going on with Darrian."
"Who is Darrian?"
"Wesley's brother. I didn't know what she was talking about, so I called Wesley and asked him what was going on. Wesley told me that Darrian was dead. I just asked him what he meant by that. Wesley then told me that Darrian was shot in the head in the driveway. I couldn't even ask him many questions because I could feel myself starting to cry and Wesley was so calm."
"What!? Do they know who it was?"
"They believe it was someone close."
"It has to be. Was he involved in anything?"
"Girl, I don't know, I couldn't ask anything because I was trying to keep it together."
Silence. Pause.
I looked at Fred and her eyes were filled to the brim, yet she still looked strong.

Underestimation Part 3

He said he was cool with everything. Simple enough and I'm satisfied with that. Quite honestly, I didn't expect for him to be as chill and mature about the situation as he was. I was amazed that he never treated me differently even though he knew how I felt this whole time. I find that it's easy for people to unexpectedly pull away when they discover that you have some sort of feelings for them and they feel the opposite. At that particular moment, I actually assumed that once I told him how I felt, it would alter the relationship that we currently had. I assumed that he would quit talking to me; I assumed that he would distance himself; I assumed that he would pretend that I didn't exist. None of those things happened. If anything, I felt that by finally admitting my feelings, the air was cleared, and that gray cloud of awkwardness that tends to permeate such atmospheres never surfaced. It was nice. I felt relieved. No, I didn't get what I wanted, but I didn't lose anything either in the process.
All in all, I learned somethings from this situation even though I feel that I'm at a different place with my friend, currently (this particular story took place a couple of weeks ago). I feel that it's best to always be honest and open with people when you start to feel something differently-- whether positive or negative. This could be in a relationship, friendship, whatever. I feel that in being honest and open, especially when the moment seems conducive, it saves a lot of time and hopefully cuts down on all the anticipation and wonder (at least in my case).
I also learned that there is nothing wrong with taking the time to get to know people. I've found that most serious relationships fail because we really didn't know what we were getting into in the beginning (in not all, but many circumstances). As John Legend says, "We're ordinary people, maybe we should take it slow..." Yes, some may put you in the "Friend Box", and sometimes you'll never come out, but maybe that isn't a bad thing. A good friend once told me that sometimes you have to go through a bunch of crappy relationships and hook-ups to realize what you have, or maybe even had, to begin with.
Furthermore, as I've mentioned before, I know how it feels to be burned by others because people change. Sometimes, we don't get the results we want. I feel that when things like this happen, surround yourself with positive people. Trust, it makes all of the difference.

At the end of the day, we are human. Some of us are more sensitive than others. No matter how strong we may act, normally, typically, it's just a front. It's just a mask. We aren't suppose to show that we are hurt, sad, dismayed, etc. Sometimes our friends, or maybe even society, expect us to quickly pretend that something or someone didn't exist. Sometimes, people just don't understand. Once again, find what gives you the most comfort in any given situation, and always try to anticipate your reaction, or the worse case of scenario in a given situation. If you know you can't handle "rejection" well, then you may want to consider if it's worth even saying how you feel. Sometimes, it best not knowing. Sometimes, it's best to just let things happen naturally (I struggle with this most). It's also possible for people's feelings to change. It's all in a days work. Just remember what I said. Stay honest, real, and true to yourself.

No matter the challenges or rejections, no matter the disappointments, no matter the numerous "Friend Boxes" you're placed in, never be scared to take a risk--never give up on love, and I truly mean that.

-Jill Renee