Man vs Self

I wanted to bring my examination of the internal and external conflicts I've faced full circle. Although I've wanted to update sooner, circumstances (such as grad school) have taken up my time. Despite my lack of time management, I would like to say that I've experienced many factors that embody the title of this very blog.
To go back to my birthday, I experienced multiple realizations.
First, I learned how to separate my true friendships from those that were associates, or just "good time friends". Organizing and having a birthday party was more stressful than anything I bargained for. Considering the outcome, I learned that I had to quit doing for those that don't do for me--meaning that I had to quit allowing myself to put more into my "friendships" than what others are willing to do for me. I was upset when I thought of the countless birthday gatherings I've attended, only to have those very people go M.I.A. on my birthday. I'm reminded of a quote by my friend and fellow blogger, A.Smith.

She wrote:
"I wasn't kidding when I said it. I care about you. I want you to be all the things
you want to be plus some things you had no idea you could be. I want you to be
happy and love life. And whatever I have to do, even sacrifice things, to help you
with that. I'm game. Simply put, I'm a better friend to you, then you could ever
dream of being to me. The irony is that it's so easy to give to people who give back,
but I'm tired. I don't got it in me anymore to give one iota more to you than you give
to me. Some sadistic part of me wishes I did, but you took it all. Every.last.drop"

The relationship with my friend that I had mentioned in my Man vs Man blog hasn't progressed. It goes without saying that the conversation I had with my friend, I felt, never got fully resolved. As I mentioned before I spent a lot of time analyzing myself and battling with the truth. Again, was I that girl? After soul searching, I came to the conclusion that when it came to my relationship with Bill, I was always completely honest with myself as well with others. Bill and I were and are just friends. Nothing more, nothing less. Of course, I'm a girl with a crush, so I felt that there was nothing wrong with me hoping that Bill will realize what's in front of his face, but I'm not naive. I'm not going to wait around for Bill, thankfully, my pride won't allow it.
I hate that my friend and I had this break down. I hate that we still haven't talked, and I hate that I feel like a friendship of nearly nine years has dissipated. All for what? Over my feelings for Bill? Over misunderstanding? Over miscommunication? I've struggled with losing my friend. I've thought of calling her to resolve whatever the true issue is between us... But my pride always gets the best of me. In this case, damn my pride...
I also struggled with my feelings with Bill. It's no doubt that I like him; however, the biggest internal conflicted I faced was what was best for me? Being friends with Bill was difficult at first because (like a girl) I spent time trying to figure out why Bill didn't want a relationship with me. I had a great connection with this person. We could talk for hours about anything. We always had a good time when we hung out. So, what was the problem? To make a long story short, I later discovered that Bill's lack of commitment had nothing to do with me.
*This next part is especially for anyone that is in a situation like mine.*
I spent so much time trying to figure Bill out... Really, it was simple all long. Bill has always been honest, upfront, and consistent about his behavior with me. He's not ready for a relationship, and that's that. No need to over analyze, or over think. He never treated me any differently because of my feelings for him, which is not typical of most guys. Considering this, I had to give Bill credit. I truly admired Bill's honesty. He knows that he isn't ready for a relationship, so instead of jumping into something that would end in disaster, he was truthfully and painfully real. And to anyone that feels like they are in the same position, don't question yourself. If someone doesn't want a relationship with you, don't beat yourself up over it, and remember it probably has nothing to do with you. Even if it does, why be in a relationship with someone that can't appreciate you and find you enough? Don't settle. To this day, he isn't in a relationship with anyone, and we still hang out and have a good time as friends. I'm thankful for that.
Ultimately, I had faced and still sometimes continue to encounter internal conflicts with my feelings and emotions; however, I feel like I'm growing up and learning from my mistakes. And... I think that's a good thing.

Man vs. Man

Since the end of July, my life seemed very routine and comfortable. I worked at a summer camp for kids Pre K- 5th grade. I resumed my English tutoring sessions with my German students, and all-in-all everything was mellow.

I preface my blog as such to create this drama-less picture that is my life. Occasionally, there are the unexpected and exciting bright spots in my life, such as buying an awesome outfit, hanging out with a great friend, or even taking an awesome trip. However, overall, my life is tragically simple and even at times predictable. I rarely ever face conflict, confusion, or any other forms of craziness. And yet, in this present time, I feel that my life is a weird place. I feel like I'm out of my element and I'm desperately trying to find myself in all the grayness.

I remember in many of my English classes my professors had encouraged my classmates and me to identify the varying conflicts that contribute to the plot of a story. I see myself in the breakdown within the main categories of conflicts: Man vs. Man, Man vs. Self, and Man vs. Technology/Machine.

I had my Man vs. Man battle royale with my best friend. It's strange and odd. I'm not accustomed to such a conflict because it's one that I'm not use to dealing with. I don't fight with people. Sometimes I have the occasional disagreement, but it rarely ever leads to an argument. I've found that I absolutely hate fighting with friends, especially when you see a side to a person that you never thought you would see. When I argued with my friend I tried really hard to see her perspective, for which I pride myself on. I've always been the kind of person that cares about the opinions of my closest friends because I trust that they will always be honest with me. I think in this situation, my issue with my friend came from built up tension with my friendship with my admirer. For those of you that keep up with my blog, I'm referring to the same "admirer" that I've been smitten with in my previous entries. And just to quickly interject, I think I'm going to give my crush, some sort of alternate name. As a cherished fan of Sex in the City, I feel like I'm channeling my inner Carrie Bradshaw in the aspect that I have a friendship with a person, a guy, that is very similar to Mr. Big. For those that aren't familiar with the show, just Google Mr. Big and I'm sure there will be some sort of summary that describes his roller coaster relationship with Carrie.

For me, I think I have a sort of Mr. Big chaos going on with my friend, so why draw inspiration from the show, take the name, and put my own spin on it? Let's call him Mr. Bill. Regardless, there's so much depth to this situation, and to uncover each layer would require me to write a book, and I'm too lazy for that. Ultimately, my friend doesn't want me to waste my time dealing with someone, she believes, that doesn't share my beliefs, my interests, and perspectives. Apparently, I'm living in some sort of fantasy world. Apparently I'm acting like a fool over someone that has no interest in being with me. It hurt like daggers to know that my best friend saw me in this light. Though her perspective seemed askew to me, I tried to see myself through the image she conveyed. Even after my conversation with her I did a lot of soul searching. Was I really this delusional? I think it's extremely hard to separate your romantic feelings from your friendship feelings. In regards to my relationship with Bill, I think I've always told myself that this is my friend and nothing more. I feel like the more I scream it in my head, the more my heart tells me something else. It sucks. It truly sucks, but no matter how much I hope that Bill will realize what he has in front of his face, setting aside my feelings, I've never treated him any differently than I would a close friend. I tried. I really tried to look myself in the mirror while my friend's words penetrated my mind and I ask myself, am I that girl?

The Death of Darrian Part 2

"Where would you like to eat?"

"Girl, you can pick wherever. I'm not too hungry because I ate a late breakfast at the hotel."

We pull up to Zaxby's. As we walk in, the change in temperatures was evident--the air was frigidly cold. After Fred ordered and picked up her food, we sat in a booth and talked.

When someone close to you experiences a death, I've always found that the best way to show that person that you truly care is just to provide he or she with as much space as needed and offer your support. Also, it doesn't hurt to listen or to be the shoulder to cry on. Whatever you do, take my advice and not ask the dastardly "how are you feeling" question. Whether they show it or not, of course they are a upset--a person just died. No need asking questions with obvious answers.

While at lunch and even after I dropped her back off at the center, I started thinking about life and how it can be abruptly ended. I even started to type out a mass text to my friends, but then I stopped and found that it would be more fitting for me to express my thoughts in a blog. I didn't know Darrian, but I pray that his family finds comfort and peace in such a unimaginable situation.

Initially I was apprehensive, but I'm happy that I decided to take this trip with Fred so that I could be here for her. Going back, when I think about Darrian's death, I think about how important it is to appreciate life and the people that are in it. I don't tell my family and friends everyday, but I try to make an effort to show them how much I love and care for them.

To any of my close friends, and you know who you are, I love you and my life is wonderfully complicated, interesting, fun, and amazing because of you. You inspire and challenge me to be better and think better. You also challenge me to embrace my potential and strive for greatness. I couldn't imagine a me without you in my life. Thank you.

Should anyone that was close to Darrian read this, I'm truly sorry for your loss.

As a request and a reminder to even myself, please enjoy as much of your life as you can. Life is too short for pettiness and drama. Leave it and your pride at the back door. Tomorrow isn't promised, we aren't as invincible as we may think. Go out and see the world! Do what makes you happy, appreciate those that are close to you, and please express yourself to those that are close to you in the best way you possibly can.

With much love and adoration,
Jillian

The Death of Darrian Part 1

I woke up this morning only to find myself hacking up a lung due to some fate of sickness I think I've obtained from one of my pre-K children at camp. Surprisingly, after coughing up a few times I found that I felt remarkably better. I also could feel myself regaining some of my appetite which had been lost to honey lemon cough drops and cherry flavor Theraflu. Why not take advantage of the complimentary breakfast in the hotel? It's currently 9:30AM and the continental breakfast ends at 10AM. I hurriedly brush my teeth, and throw on my clothes. I take a hard look at my face in the mirror. Great, the pink is slowly returning back to my pale cheeks. I don't look as sickly and exhausted as I have these past few days. I walk out the door and rush into an empty lobby filled with aromas of freshly brewed coffee and scrambled eggs.
"Thank goodness... I can enjoy my breakfast in peace."
After making my waffle, I scoop a generous amount of eggs onto my plate and proceed to make my coffee. Once I'm satisfied with my breakfast selection I contemplate where to enjoy my food amongst the rows of table.
Finally, I decide to sit at a cozy looking two seater table over by the window. As I'm settling myself I hear the intro music to The View.
"Nothing like a battle between Hasselbeck and Whoopi to liven up a late morning breakfast."
****************
As I'm finishing up my morning coffee, I receive a phone call from my best friend.
"Girl, you up?"
"Yeah, I'm just finishing up my breakfast. What's up?"
"We are on a quick lunch break. I have to be back at the center a little after twelve, and the teacher expects us to be here, on time, so I'm coming to pick you up. Be outside, I'm three minutes away."
"No problem."
I look at my cell and notice that the time is 11:15AM. I throw away my coffee cup and walk back to the room to get my handbag and among other things my sanitizer as to not infect my friend. After stepping out the room, I make my way past the front desk and out the main entrance. The heat is excessive. As I start to make my silent prayer that my friend was as close as she stated, she quickly pulls her blue Chevy Cobalt around the corner.
As I get into the car, I notice the redness in her eyes, though her demeanor doesn't seem overly disheveled. Before I can say anything, she quickly pulls away from the hotel and says, "Freda called me earlier today and asked me if I knew what was going on with Darrian."
"Who is Darrian?"
"Wesley's brother. I didn't know what she was talking about, so I called Wesley and asked him what was going on. Wesley told me that Darrian was dead. I just asked him what he meant by that. Wesley then told me that Darrian was shot in the head in the driveway. I couldn't even ask him many questions because I could feel myself starting to cry and Wesley was so calm."
"What!? Do they know who it was?"
"They believe it was someone close."
"It has to be. Was he involved in anything?"
"Girl, I don't know, I couldn't ask anything because I was trying to keep it together."
Silence. Pause.
I looked at Fred and her eyes were filled to the brim, yet she still looked strong.