Man vs Self

I wanted to bring my examination of the internal and external conflicts I've faced full circle. Although I've wanted to update sooner, circumstances (such as grad school) have taken up my time. Despite my lack of time management, I would like to say that I've experienced many factors that embody the title of this very blog.
To go back to my birthday, I experienced multiple realizations.
First, I learned how to separate my true friendships from those that were associates, or just "good time friends". Organizing and having a birthday party was more stressful than anything I bargained for. Considering the outcome, I learned that I had to quit doing for those that don't do for me--meaning that I had to quit allowing myself to put more into my "friendships" than what others are willing to do for me. I was upset when I thought of the countless birthday gatherings I've attended, only to have those very people go M.I.A. on my birthday. I'm reminded of a quote by my friend and fellow blogger, A.Smith.

She wrote:
"I wasn't kidding when I said it. I care about you. I want you to be all the things
you want to be plus some things you had no idea you could be. I want you to be
happy and love life. And whatever I have to do, even sacrifice things, to help you
with that. I'm game. Simply put, I'm a better friend to you, then you could ever
dream of being to me. The irony is that it's so easy to give to people who give back,
but I'm tired. I don't got it in me anymore to give one iota more to you than you give
to me. Some sadistic part of me wishes I did, but you took it all. Every.last.drop"

The relationship with my friend that I had mentioned in my Man vs Man blog hasn't progressed. It goes without saying that the conversation I had with my friend, I felt, never got fully resolved. As I mentioned before I spent a lot of time analyzing myself and battling with the truth. Again, was I that girl? After soul searching, I came to the conclusion that when it came to my relationship with Bill, I was always completely honest with myself as well with others. Bill and I were and are just friends. Nothing more, nothing less. Of course, I'm a girl with a crush, so I felt that there was nothing wrong with me hoping that Bill will realize what's in front of his face, but I'm not naive. I'm not going to wait around for Bill, thankfully, my pride won't allow it.
I hate that my friend and I had this break down. I hate that we still haven't talked, and I hate that I feel like a friendship of nearly nine years has dissipated. All for what? Over my feelings for Bill? Over misunderstanding? Over miscommunication? I've struggled with losing my friend. I've thought of calling her to resolve whatever the true issue is between us... But my pride always gets the best of me. In this case, damn my pride...
I also struggled with my feelings with Bill. It's no doubt that I like him; however, the biggest internal conflicted I faced was what was best for me? Being friends with Bill was difficult at first because (like a girl) I spent time trying to figure out why Bill didn't want a relationship with me. I had a great connection with this person. We could talk for hours about anything. We always had a good time when we hung out. So, what was the problem? To make a long story short, I later discovered that Bill's lack of commitment had nothing to do with me.
*This next part is especially for anyone that is in a situation like mine.*
I spent so much time trying to figure Bill out... Really, it was simple all long. Bill has always been honest, upfront, and consistent about his behavior with me. He's not ready for a relationship, and that's that. No need to over analyze, or over think. He never treated me any differently because of my feelings for him, which is not typical of most guys. Considering this, I had to give Bill credit. I truly admired Bill's honesty. He knows that he isn't ready for a relationship, so instead of jumping into something that would end in disaster, he was truthfully and painfully real. And to anyone that feels like they are in the same position, don't question yourself. If someone doesn't want a relationship with you, don't beat yourself up over it, and remember it probably has nothing to do with you. Even if it does, why be in a relationship with someone that can't appreciate you and find you enough? Don't settle. To this day, he isn't in a relationship with anyone, and we still hang out and have a good time as friends. I'm thankful for that.
Ultimately, I had faced and still sometimes continue to encounter internal conflicts with my feelings and emotions; however, I feel like I'm growing up and learning from my mistakes. And... I think that's a good thing.

Man vs Technology/Machine

As I had alluded to, the conflict I faced with my friend caused me to do a lot of soul searching. In the middle of all the confusion and mayhem, I also was stressed out about a couple of parties I wanted to plan for my birthday--I ultimately wanted to have a fantastic birthday eleganza extravagza weekend.

Let me take you back a good month before my life succumbed to such confusion--when the biggest worry I had wasn't about discerning where I stand in both my friendships with Bill and my opinionated best friend, instead it was over finding a venue to celebrate my 24th birthday with my friends and family. In downtown Chattanooga I knew I found the perfect spot. It was off of Market Street, near all the night life at which I wanted to pour myself into, or at the very least, have a ice cold, fruity, sweet beverage poured for me.
After finding my venue, the next battle I had to conquer was finding the perfect dress. Because I was venturing into my mid-twenties, I knew I had to make an appearance in something that not only celebrated my age, personality, and heighten self-esteem, but something that also honored my successes, such as obtaining my undergraduate degree, losing weight, and starting a new phase in my life--obtaining my master's. Who knew that an outfit could do so much? Simply put, I wanted to wear an outfit that made me feel like me. Although I was apprehensive about the future because of the changes I was facing, I felt like I was on top of the world--like everything was coming together.
Once the idea and excitement of the party and shopping became overtly tangible, I typed out my invitations and sent them via Facebook. I knew that I would have no issues getting the support and attendance I needed. As the summer days of August seem to melt away, I even sent out friendly reminders the week of the party. I wanted to confirm the number of guests that would be in attendance. Again, everything seemed to come together--at least that was until the night of my first get together the day before my dinner. The turn out was pitiful.
I was in shock.
Did I miss something? Did the Facebook gods confirm guests that actually meant to decline? I was perplexed, and I felt myself panicking soon after my ladies night.
Because of the turn out of my first event, some strange voice in the back of mind repeatedly convinced me that I should cancel my dinner and just do something independently,yet I still decided to go through with the risk of making myself look like a fool.
The next night when quite uneventfully. I was truly surprised to see the people that were there. A few of them were friends that I hadn't spoken to in a while, and some of the guests were friends of friends. Overall, I was thankful that regardless of the lack of communication I shared with the people at my party, they decided to celebrate with me that night. Again, there continued to be a number of people that said they would be at the dinner that didn't show up. The ones that I thought meant something to me, to my life, were M.I.A.
Although my birthday weekend had not gone nearly as well as I had hoped, it wasn't nearly as bad as last year, which I had blocked out of my mind. An almost similar situation happened and I honestly had completely forgotten about it. The only reason my 23rd birthday crept back into my thoughts was because my best friend Biggs had drawn comparisons between the two. Just as a brief overview, last year was a lot more simpler. I had asked some of my friends to come out to dinner with me. It ended up being only me, my best friend Smith, Shannon and Shannon's boyfriend. Again, where did people go? Where were my supposed friends?
I had a conflict with technology... Or shall I say, I had a conflict with the people that clearly didn't use technology to inform me of their presence.
There are so many outlets of communication, and I'm truly at a loss at why people chose not to utilize them. Why even have cell phones, texting, Facebook, e-mail, etc? Better yet, what happened to the age old phone call? What ever happened to people just calling you up, and not using such forms of communication as a cop out? Is it laziness, fear, or cowardice? I suppose though that beggars can't be choosers. I suppose an excuse is better than no excuse; however, at what point have people forgotten to consider your feelings, or take a moment just step in your shoes even though they are metallic gold, 4-inch heels?