Facing the Facts

Though it has been many months since I've updated, I must confess that I've come to face a few facts that have led to both wonderful and astonishing revelations. Now though these facts are quite numerous, I think I've narrowed them down to three overall points.
Fact number one: I'm horrible at living up to my blogging expectations. This is not to say that I'm not at the least bit surprised by this fact, I suppose you could say I was hoping for some reassurance that I would defy this becoming truth. Simply put, my life has been a roller coaster. As lame and uncreative the metaphor may be, it's never been more real. The last few months of my life has had crazy ups and downs, twists and turns, dips and bumps. It is through this very roller coaster that I've come to personal discoveries that will be outlined in future blogs.
Fact number two: Grad school is a bitch. This goes without saying. It was in mid semester that I had to stop and seriously question if someone was playing a rather cruel joke on me. I can recall several instances where I've heard people say, "No worries! Grad school is much easier than undergrad, in my opinion!" or "Grad school felt like a complete joke. It's easy!" It is in all of this garble that I learned that people fail to tell you about the intense research, pages upon pages of required reading, and the obscene writing assignments. In all honesty, I even feel more financially crippled than I did in undergrad. If I ever face these very people again, all I have to ask is, "What in the hell were you people smoking, and may I have some it?" Seriously, between all of reading and writing, it's almost--well scratch almost-- it's a fact that in little moments of rest I was able to grasp, all I wanted to do was hang out with friends, relax, and have as much fun in my own right. Any and everything affiliated with typing composition and reading, I wanted to avoid as much as possible. My dear readers, this is but a rather sad fact considering that I obtained a degree in English and rather found myself to be a lover of literature. I still think there is an immense part of me that craves a good book. There were many days in the fall semester that I wanted to update my blog to scream out my feelings and write out my experiences in a vivid fashion. I lost my blogging spirit here in my first semester of undergrad, but I'd like to think that I can redeem myself through a little thing I like to call time management and caffeine.
So, I would like to end this blog with one last fact.
Fact number three: I must surrender myself to the arduous task of time management. I recall purchasing my medium size, black agenda book back before the winter weather made my life rather chilly and complicated. Though I have been known to write down a task, or two I see how novice my planning really was. I've come to learn that if I'm expected to achieve even more success and conquer the war called graduate school, I've got to supersede such minuscule effort. Again, it's with great uncertainty that I believe I'll never truly face this fact, but I know it's necessary. As this blog is my therapy and life, so is my education, family, and friends. I look forward to updating one and all about the pivotal points of last semester--all of the rises and falls, disappointments and joys, as well as the losses and gains. So here goes, my life measured by time, caffeine, and shreds of patience.

Man vs Self

I wanted to bring my examination of the internal and external conflicts I've faced full circle. Although I've wanted to update sooner, circumstances (such as grad school) have taken up my time. Despite my lack of time management, I would like to say that I've experienced many factors that embody the title of this very blog.
To go back to my birthday, I experienced multiple realizations.
First, I learned how to separate my true friendships from those that were associates, or just "good time friends". Organizing and having a birthday party was more stressful than anything I bargained for. Considering the outcome, I learned that I had to quit doing for those that don't do for me--meaning that I had to quit allowing myself to put more into my "friendships" than what others are willing to do for me. I was upset when I thought of the countless birthday gatherings I've attended, only to have those very people go M.I.A. on my birthday. I'm reminded of a quote by my friend and fellow blogger, A.Smith.

She wrote:
"I wasn't kidding when I said it. I care about you. I want you to be all the things
you want to be plus some things you had no idea you could be. I want you to be
happy and love life. And whatever I have to do, even sacrifice things, to help you
with that. I'm game. Simply put, I'm a better friend to you, then you could ever
dream of being to me. The irony is that it's so easy to give to people who give back,
but I'm tired. I don't got it in me anymore to give one iota more to you than you give
to me. Some sadistic part of me wishes I did, but you took it all. Every.last.drop"

The relationship with my friend that I had mentioned in my Man vs Man blog hasn't progressed. It goes without saying that the conversation I had with my friend, I felt, never got fully resolved. As I mentioned before I spent a lot of time analyzing myself and battling with the truth. Again, was I that girl? After soul searching, I came to the conclusion that when it came to my relationship with Bill, I was always completely honest with myself as well with others. Bill and I were and are just friends. Nothing more, nothing less. Of course, I'm a girl with a crush, so I felt that there was nothing wrong with me hoping that Bill will realize what's in front of his face, but I'm not naive. I'm not going to wait around for Bill, thankfully, my pride won't allow it.
I hate that my friend and I had this break down. I hate that we still haven't talked, and I hate that I feel like a friendship of nearly nine years has dissipated. All for what? Over my feelings for Bill? Over misunderstanding? Over miscommunication? I've struggled with losing my friend. I've thought of calling her to resolve whatever the true issue is between us... But my pride always gets the best of me. In this case, damn my pride...
I also struggled with my feelings with Bill. It's no doubt that I like him; however, the biggest internal conflicted I faced was what was best for me? Being friends with Bill was difficult at first because (like a girl) I spent time trying to figure out why Bill didn't want a relationship with me. I had a great connection with this person. We could talk for hours about anything. We always had a good time when we hung out. So, what was the problem? To make a long story short, I later discovered that Bill's lack of commitment had nothing to do with me.
*This next part is especially for anyone that is in a situation like mine.*
I spent so much time trying to figure Bill out... Really, it was simple all long. Bill has always been honest, upfront, and consistent about his behavior with me. He's not ready for a relationship, and that's that. No need to over analyze, or over think. He never treated me any differently because of my feelings for him, which is not typical of most guys. Considering this, I had to give Bill credit. I truly admired Bill's honesty. He knows that he isn't ready for a relationship, so instead of jumping into something that would end in disaster, he was truthfully and painfully real. And to anyone that feels like they are in the same position, don't question yourself. If someone doesn't want a relationship with you, don't beat yourself up over it, and remember it probably has nothing to do with you. Even if it does, why be in a relationship with someone that can't appreciate you and find you enough? Don't settle. To this day, he isn't in a relationship with anyone, and we still hang out and have a good time as friends. I'm thankful for that.
Ultimately, I had faced and still sometimes continue to encounter internal conflicts with my feelings and emotions; however, I feel like I'm growing up and learning from my mistakes. And... I think that's a good thing.