Man vs Self

I wanted to bring my examination of the internal and external conflicts I've faced full circle. Although I've wanted to update sooner, circumstances (such as grad school) have taken up my time. Despite my lack of time management, I would like to say that I've experienced many factors that embody the title of this very blog.
To go back to my birthday, I experienced multiple realizations.
First, I learned how to separate my true friendships from those that were associates, or just "good time friends". Organizing and having a birthday party was more stressful than anything I bargained for. Considering the outcome, I learned that I had to quit doing for those that don't do for me--meaning that I had to quit allowing myself to put more into my "friendships" than what others are willing to do for me. I was upset when I thought of the countless birthday gatherings I've attended, only to have those very people go M.I.A. on my birthday. I'm reminded of a quote by my friend and fellow blogger, A.Smith.

She wrote:
"I wasn't kidding when I said it. I care about you. I want you to be all the things
you want to be plus some things you had no idea you could be. I want you to be
happy and love life. And whatever I have to do, even sacrifice things, to help you
with that. I'm game. Simply put, I'm a better friend to you, then you could ever
dream of being to me. The irony is that it's so easy to give to people who give back,
but I'm tired. I don't got it in me anymore to give one iota more to you than you give
to me. Some sadistic part of me wishes I did, but you took it all. Every.last.drop"

The relationship with my friend that I had mentioned in my Man vs Man blog hasn't progressed. It goes without saying that the conversation I had with my friend, I felt, never got fully resolved. As I mentioned before I spent a lot of time analyzing myself and battling with the truth. Again, was I that girl? After soul searching, I came to the conclusion that when it came to my relationship with Bill, I was always completely honest with myself as well with others. Bill and I were and are just friends. Nothing more, nothing less. Of course, I'm a girl with a crush, so I felt that there was nothing wrong with me hoping that Bill will realize what's in front of his face, but I'm not naive. I'm not going to wait around for Bill, thankfully, my pride won't allow it.
I hate that my friend and I had this break down. I hate that we still haven't talked, and I hate that I feel like a friendship of nearly nine years has dissipated. All for what? Over my feelings for Bill? Over misunderstanding? Over miscommunication? I've struggled with losing my friend. I've thought of calling her to resolve whatever the true issue is between us... But my pride always gets the best of me. In this case, damn my pride...
I also struggled with my feelings with Bill. It's no doubt that I like him; however, the biggest internal conflicted I faced was what was best for me? Being friends with Bill was difficult at first because (like a girl) I spent time trying to figure out why Bill didn't want a relationship with me. I had a great connection with this person. We could talk for hours about anything. We always had a good time when we hung out. So, what was the problem? To make a long story short, I later discovered that Bill's lack of commitment had nothing to do with me.
*This next part is especially for anyone that is in a situation like mine.*
I spent so much time trying to figure Bill out... Really, it was simple all long. Bill has always been honest, upfront, and consistent about his behavior with me. He's not ready for a relationship, and that's that. No need to over analyze, or over think. He never treated me any differently because of my feelings for him, which is not typical of most guys. Considering this, I had to give Bill credit. I truly admired Bill's honesty. He knows that he isn't ready for a relationship, so instead of jumping into something that would end in disaster, he was truthfully and painfully real. And to anyone that feels like they are in the same position, don't question yourself. If someone doesn't want a relationship with you, don't beat yourself up over it, and remember it probably has nothing to do with you. Even if it does, why be in a relationship with someone that can't appreciate you and find you enough? Don't settle. To this day, he isn't in a relationship with anyone, and we still hang out and have a good time as friends. I'm thankful for that.
Ultimately, I had faced and still sometimes continue to encounter internal conflicts with my feelings and emotions; however, I feel like I'm growing up and learning from my mistakes. And... I think that's a good thing.

Underestimation Part 2

After many conversations with a few good friends, I decided that instead of procrastinating my confession, I would take advantage of my next time out with my admirer, and if the opportunity presented itself, I would come out with it. Simple as that.
The night started out as it normally would. It was a very warm and starry evening. I, naturally, made sure that I looked as fabulous as I normally would when I take a night out downtown. Underneath all the glamour, I felt like a nervous wreck.
When we finally arrived at our destination, most of the night was as chill as it typically is when we go out. We conversed about religion and politics. We ranted about the ins and outs of our job. We briefly talked about our past relationships--I suppose the successes and failures. I think it was around that topic that I attempted to muster up the courage to say what I felt. I was a mess really. Nothing would come out! At that brief moment in time, my mind raced! Gah! I have no idea why I was so nervous! I mean, this shouldn't be too hard right? I think the whole part of the night that completely caught me off guard was this insane grin that he wore on his face. Like he knew.
After a matter of minutes, which, for me felt like hours, he interjected that he knew what I wanted to say. So then I would sheepishly mutter that there was no point in me saying what I have to say if he knew what I was feeling. To which, he replied that he wanted me to go ahead and say what I have say. Yes, we jokingly went back and forth for a few seconds.
I finally told him about this conversation that I had with one of my friends in which he was one of the central topics. By the end of the conversation, at that particular point of time, I came to the conclusion that I didn't have any feelings for him then because I didn't know him; however, that since then I felt that my feelings had changed. I stopped. I couldn't bring myself to say more, I couldn't bring myself to ask him out on a date or anything like that because of that stupid, insane grin he had on his face!
He responded by telling me that he had already known how I felt for him. When he said this, I was puzzled and a bit irritated! How could this be so?
He takes out his phone and shows me a text message that I typed perhaps a week or so ago. The text basically said that I was starting to develop feelings for him, but that I wanted to conceal those feelings for the time being.
If it was practical to inflect some sort of physical abuse to my body, I would have at the very moment--I wanted to slap myself. After reading this message, I laughed at the irony that is my life. My mind went blank for moments and amist all of the laughter, I hung my head with embarrassment. I made, what I had felt, a colossal error!
I have a friend that tended to send text messages to the very people she would be talking about, accidentally. I remember the many circumstances in which I would berate her for making such mistakes. How did I just do the same thing? Normally when I send out text messages, especially when they are about a certain subject, I'm meticulous about making sure I send it out to the right people. Once again, how did I make this mistake? Carelessness I suppose. I honestly think my subconscious is to blame.
I loathe it in the most loving way.