I wanted to bring my examination of the internal and external conflicts I've faced full circle. Although I've wanted to update sooner, circumstances (such as grad school) have taken up my time. Despite my lack of time management, I would like to say that I've experienced many factors that embody the title of this very blog.
To go back to my birthday, I experienced multiple realizations.
First, I learned how to separate my true friendships from those that were associates, or just "good time friends". Organizing and having a birthday party was more stressful than anything I bargained for. Considering the outcome, I learned that I had to quit doing for those that don't do for me--meaning that I had to quit allowing myself to put more into my "friendships" than what others are willing to do for me. I was upset when I thought of the countless birthday gatherings I've attended, only to have those very people go M.I.A. on my birthday. I'm reminded of a quote by my friend and fellow blogger, A.Smith.
She wrote:
"I wasn't kidding when I said it. I care about you. I want you to be all the things
you want to be plus some things you had no idea you could be. I want you to be
happy and love life. And whatever I have to do, even sacrifice things, to help you
with that. I'm game. Simply put, I'm a better friend to you, then you could ever
dream of being to me. The irony is that it's so easy to give to people who give back,
but I'm tired. I don't got it in me anymore to give one iota more to you than you give
to me. Some sadistic part of me wishes I did, but you took it all. Every.last.drop"
The relationship with my friend that I had mentioned in my Man vs Man blog hasn't progressed. It goes without saying that the conversation I had with my friend, I felt, never got fully resolved. As I mentioned before I spent a lot of time analyzing myself and battling with the truth. Again, was I that girl? After soul searching, I came to the conclusion that when it came to my relationship with Bill, I was always completely honest with myself as well with others. Bill and I were and are just friends. Nothing more, nothing less. Of course, I'm a girl with a crush, so I felt that there was nothing wrong with me hoping that Bill will realize what's in front of his face, but I'm not naive. I'm not going to wait around for Bill, thankfully, my pride won't allow it.
I hate that my friend and I had this break down. I hate that we still haven't talked, and I hate that I feel like a friendship of nearly nine years has dissipated. All for what? Over my feelings for Bill? Over misunderstanding? Over miscommunication? I've struggled with losing my friend. I've thought of calling her to resolve whatever the true issue is between us... But my pride always gets the best of me. In this case, damn my pride...
I also struggled with my feelings with Bill. It's no doubt that I like him; however, the biggest internal conflicted I faced was what was best for me? Being friends with Bill was difficult at first because (like a girl) I spent time trying to figure out why Bill didn't want a relationship with me. I had a great connection with this person. We could talk for hours about anything. We always had a good time when we hung out. So, what was the problem? To make a long story short, I later discovered that Bill's lack of commitment had nothing to do with me.
*This next part is especially for anyone that is in a situation like mine.*
I spent so much time trying to figure Bill out... Really, it was simple all long. Bill has always been honest, upfront, and consistent about his behavior with me. He's not ready for a relationship, and that's that. No need to over analyze, or over think. He never treated me any differently because of my feelings for him, which is not typical of most guys. Considering this, I had to give Bill credit. I truly admired Bill's honesty. He knows that he isn't ready for a relationship, so instead of jumping into something that would end in disaster, he was truthfully and painfully real. And to anyone that feels like they are in the same position, don't question yourself. If someone doesn't want a relationship with you, don't beat yourself up over it, and remember it probably has nothing to do with you. Even if it does, why be in a relationship with someone that can't appreciate you and find you enough? Don't settle. To this day, he isn't in a relationship with anyone, and we still hang out and have a good time as friends. I'm thankful for that.
Ultimately, I had faced and still sometimes continue to encounter internal conflicts with my feelings and emotions; however, I feel like I'm growing up and learning from my mistakes. And... I think that's a good thing.
Friday, September 10, 2010
Wednesday, August 18, 2010
Man vs Technology/Machine
As I had alluded to, the conflict I faced with my friend caused me to do a lot of soul searching. In the middle of all the confusion and mayhem, I also was stressed out about a couple of parties I wanted to plan for my birthday--I ultimately wanted to have a fantastic birthday eleganza extravagza weekend.
Let me take you back a good month before my life succumbed to such confusion--when the biggest worry I had wasn't about discerning where I stand in both my friendships with Bill and my opinionated best friend, instead it was over finding a venue to celebrate my 24th birthday with my friends and family. In downtown Chattanooga I knew I found the perfect spot. It was off of Market Street, near all the night life at which I wanted to pour myself into, or at the very least, have a ice cold, fruity, sweet beverage poured for me.
After finding my venue, the next battle I had to conquer was finding the perfect dress. Because I was venturing into my mid-twenties, I knew I had to make an appearance in something that not only celebrated my age, personality, and heighten self-esteem, but something that also honored my successes, such as obtaining my undergraduate degree, losing weight, and starting a new phase in my life--obtaining my master's. Who knew that an outfit could do so much? Simply put, I wanted to wear an outfit that made me feel like me. Although I was apprehensive about the future because of the changes I was facing, I felt like I was on top of the world--like everything was coming together.
Once the idea and excitement of the party and shopping became overtly tangible, I typed out my invitations and sent them via Facebook. I knew that I would have no issues getting the support and attendance I needed. As the summer days of August seem to melt away, I even sent out friendly reminders the week of the party. I wanted to confirm the number of guests that would be in attendance. Again, everything seemed to come together--at least that was until the night of my first get together the day before my dinner. The turn out was pitiful.
I was in shock.
Did I miss something? Did the Facebook gods confirm guests that actually meant to decline? I was perplexed, and I felt myself panicking soon after my ladies night.
Because of the turn out of my first event, some strange voice in the back of mind repeatedly convinced me that I should cancel my dinner and just do something independently,yet I still decided to go through with the risk of making myself look like a fool.
The next night when quite uneventfully. I was truly surprised to see the people that were there. A few of them were friends that I hadn't spoken to in a while, and some of the guests were friends of friends. Overall, I was thankful that regardless of the lack of communication I shared with the people at my party, they decided to celebrate with me that night. Again, there continued to be a number of people that said they would be at the dinner that didn't show up. The ones that I thought meant something to me, to my life, were M.I.A.
Although my birthday weekend had not gone nearly as well as I had hoped, it wasn't nearly as bad as last year, which I had blocked out of my mind. An almost similar situation happened and I honestly had completely forgotten about it. The only reason my 23rd birthday crept back into my thoughts was because my best friend Biggs had drawn comparisons between the two. Just as a brief overview, last year was a lot more simpler. I had asked some of my friends to come out to dinner with me. It ended up being only me, my best friend Smith, Shannon and Shannon's boyfriend. Again, where did people go? Where were my supposed friends?
I had a conflict with technology... Or shall I say, I had a conflict with the people that clearly didn't use technology to inform me of their presence.
There are so many outlets of communication, and I'm truly at a loss at why people chose not to utilize them. Why even have cell phones, texting, Facebook, e-mail, etc? Better yet, what happened to the age old phone call? What ever happened to people just calling you up, and not using such forms of communication as a cop out? Is it laziness, fear, or cowardice? I suppose though that beggars can't be choosers. I suppose an excuse is better than no excuse; however, at what point have people forgotten to consider your feelings, or take a moment just step in your shoes even though they are metallic gold, 4-inch heels?
Let me take you back a good month before my life succumbed to such confusion--when the biggest worry I had wasn't about discerning where I stand in both my friendships with Bill and my opinionated best friend, instead it was over finding a venue to celebrate my 24th birthday with my friends and family. In downtown Chattanooga I knew I found the perfect spot. It was off of Market Street, near all the night life at which I wanted to pour myself into, or at the very least, have a ice cold, fruity, sweet beverage poured for me.
After finding my venue, the next battle I had to conquer was finding the perfect dress. Because I was venturing into my mid-twenties, I knew I had to make an appearance in something that not only celebrated my age, personality, and heighten self-esteem, but something that also honored my successes, such as obtaining my undergraduate degree, losing weight, and starting a new phase in my life--obtaining my master's. Who knew that an outfit could do so much? Simply put, I wanted to wear an outfit that made me feel like me. Although I was apprehensive about the future because of the changes I was facing, I felt like I was on top of the world--like everything was coming together.
Once the idea and excitement of the party and shopping became overtly tangible, I typed out my invitations and sent them via Facebook. I knew that I would have no issues getting the support and attendance I needed. As the summer days of August seem to melt away, I even sent out friendly reminders the week of the party. I wanted to confirm the number of guests that would be in attendance. Again, everything seemed to come together--at least that was until the night of my first get together the day before my dinner. The turn out was pitiful.
I was in shock.
Did I miss something? Did the Facebook gods confirm guests that actually meant to decline? I was perplexed, and I felt myself panicking soon after my ladies night.
Because of the turn out of my first event, some strange voice in the back of mind repeatedly convinced me that I should cancel my dinner and just do something independently,yet I still decided to go through with the risk of making myself look like a fool.
The next night when quite uneventfully. I was truly surprised to see the people that were there. A few of them were friends that I hadn't spoken to in a while, and some of the guests were friends of friends. Overall, I was thankful that regardless of the lack of communication I shared with the people at my party, they decided to celebrate with me that night. Again, there continued to be a number of people that said they would be at the dinner that didn't show up. The ones that I thought meant something to me, to my life, were M.I.A.
Although my birthday weekend had not gone nearly as well as I had hoped, it wasn't nearly as bad as last year, which I had blocked out of my mind. An almost similar situation happened and I honestly had completely forgotten about it. The only reason my 23rd birthday crept back into my thoughts was because my best friend Biggs had drawn comparisons between the two. Just as a brief overview, last year was a lot more simpler. I had asked some of my friends to come out to dinner with me. It ended up being only me, my best friend Smith, Shannon and Shannon's boyfriend. Again, where did people go? Where were my supposed friends?
I had a conflict with technology... Or shall I say, I had a conflict with the people that clearly didn't use technology to inform me of their presence.
There are so many outlets of communication, and I'm truly at a loss at why people chose not to utilize them. Why even have cell phones, texting, Facebook, e-mail, etc? Better yet, what happened to the age old phone call? What ever happened to people just calling you up, and not using such forms of communication as a cop out? Is it laziness, fear, or cowardice? I suppose though that beggars can't be choosers. I suppose an excuse is better than no excuse; however, at what point have people forgotten to consider your feelings, or take a moment just step in your shoes even though they are metallic gold, 4-inch heels?
Monday, August 16, 2010
Man vs. Man
Since the end of July, my life seemed very routine and comfortable. I worked at a summer camp for kids Pre K- 5th grade. I resumed my English tutoring sessions with my German students, and all-in-all everything was mellow.
I preface my blog as such to create this drama-less picture that is my life. Occasionally, there are the unexpected and exciting bright spots in my life, such as buying an awesome outfit, hanging out with a great friend, or even taking an awesome trip. However, overall, my life is tragically simple and even at times predictable. I rarely ever face conflict, confusion, or any other forms of craziness. And yet, in this present time, I feel that my life is a weird place. I feel like I'm out of my element and I'm desperately trying to find myself in all the grayness.
I remember in many of my English classes my professors had encouraged my classmates and me to identify the varying conflicts that contribute to the plot of a story. I see myself in the breakdown within the main categories of conflicts: Man vs. Man, Man vs. Self, and Man vs. Technology/Machine.
I had my Man vs. Man battle royale with my best friend. It's strange and odd. I'm not accustomed to such a conflict because it's one that I'm not use to dealing with. I don't fight with people. Sometimes I have the occasional disagreement, but it rarely ever leads to an argument. I've found that I absolutely hate fighting with friends, especially when you see a side to a person that you never thought you would see. When I argued with my friend I tried really hard to see her perspective, for which I pride myself on. I've always been the kind of person that cares about the opinions of my closest friends because I trust that they will always be honest with me. I think in this situation, my issue with my friend came from built up tension with my friendship with my admirer. For those of you that keep up with my blog, I'm referring to the same "admirer" that I've been smitten with in my previous entries. And just to quickly interject, I think I'm going to give my crush, some sort of alternate name. As a cherished fan of Sex in the City, I feel like I'm channeling my inner Carrie Bradshaw in the aspect that I have a friendship with a person, a guy, that is very similar to Mr. Big. For those that aren't familiar with the show, just Google Mr. Big and I'm sure there will be some sort of summary that describes his roller coaster relationship with Carrie.
For me, I think I have a sort of Mr. Big chaos going on with my friend, so why draw inspiration from the show, take the name, and put my own spin on it? Let's call him Mr. Bill. Regardless, there's so much depth to this situation, and to uncover each layer would require me to write a book, and I'm too lazy for that. Ultimately, my friend doesn't want me to waste my time dealing with someone, she believes, that doesn't share my beliefs, my interests, and perspectives. Apparently, I'm living in some sort of fantasy world. Apparently I'm acting like a fool over someone that has no interest in being with me. It hurt like daggers to know that my best friend saw me in this light. Though her perspective seemed askew to me, I tried to see myself through the image she conveyed. Even after my conversation with her I did a lot of soul searching. Was I really this delusional? I think it's extremely hard to separate your romantic feelings from your friendship feelings. In regards to my relationship with Bill, I think I've always told myself that this is my friend and nothing more. I feel like the more I scream it in my head, the more my heart tells me something else. It sucks. It truly sucks, but no matter how much I hope that Bill will realize what he has in front of his face, setting aside my feelings, I've never treated him any differently than I would a close friend. I tried. I really tried to look myself in the mirror while my friend's words penetrated my mind and I ask myself, am I that girl?
I preface my blog as such to create this drama-less picture that is my life. Occasionally, there are the unexpected and exciting bright spots in my life, such as buying an awesome outfit, hanging out with a great friend, or even taking an awesome trip. However, overall, my life is tragically simple and even at times predictable. I rarely ever face conflict, confusion, or any other forms of craziness. And yet, in this present time, I feel that my life is a weird place. I feel like I'm out of my element and I'm desperately trying to find myself in all the grayness.
I remember in many of my English classes my professors had encouraged my classmates and me to identify the varying conflicts that contribute to the plot of a story. I see myself in the breakdown within the main categories of conflicts: Man vs. Man, Man vs. Self, and Man vs. Technology/Machine.
I had my Man vs. Man battle royale with my best friend. It's strange and odd. I'm not accustomed to such a conflict because it's one that I'm not use to dealing with. I don't fight with people. Sometimes I have the occasional disagreement, but it rarely ever leads to an argument. I've found that I absolutely hate fighting with friends, especially when you see a side to a person that you never thought you would see. When I argued with my friend I tried really hard to see her perspective, for which I pride myself on. I've always been the kind of person that cares about the opinions of my closest friends because I trust that they will always be honest with me. I think in this situation, my issue with my friend came from built up tension with my friendship with my admirer. For those of you that keep up with my blog, I'm referring to the same "admirer" that I've been smitten with in my previous entries. And just to quickly interject, I think I'm going to give my crush, some sort of alternate name. As a cherished fan of Sex in the City, I feel like I'm channeling my inner Carrie Bradshaw in the aspect that I have a friendship with a person, a guy, that is very similar to Mr. Big. For those that aren't familiar with the show, just Google Mr. Big and I'm sure there will be some sort of summary that describes his roller coaster relationship with Carrie.
For me, I think I have a sort of Mr. Big chaos going on with my friend, so why draw inspiration from the show, take the name, and put my own spin on it? Let's call him Mr. Bill. Regardless, there's so much depth to this situation, and to uncover each layer would require me to write a book, and I'm too lazy for that. Ultimately, my friend doesn't want me to waste my time dealing with someone, she believes, that doesn't share my beliefs, my interests, and perspectives. Apparently, I'm living in some sort of fantasy world. Apparently I'm acting like a fool over someone that has no interest in being with me. It hurt like daggers to know that my best friend saw me in this light. Though her perspective seemed askew to me, I tried to see myself through the image she conveyed. Even after my conversation with her I did a lot of soul searching. Was I really this delusional? I think it's extremely hard to separate your romantic feelings from your friendship feelings. In regards to my relationship with Bill, I think I've always told myself that this is my friend and nothing more. I feel like the more I scream it in my head, the more my heart tells me something else. It sucks. It truly sucks, but no matter how much I hope that Bill will realize what he has in front of his face, setting aside my feelings, I've never treated him any differently than I would a close friend. I tried. I really tried to look myself in the mirror while my friend's words penetrated my mind and I ask myself, am I that girl?
Thursday, July 22, 2010
The Death of Darrian Part 2
"Where would you like to eat?"
"Girl, you can pick wherever. I'm not too hungry because I ate a late breakfast at the hotel."
We pull up to Zaxby's. As we walk in, the change in temperatures was evident--the air was frigidly cold. After Fred ordered and picked up her food, we sat in a booth and talked.
When someone close to you experiences a death, I've always found that the best way to show that person that you truly care is just to provide he or she with as much space as needed and offer your support. Also, it doesn't hurt to listen or to be the shoulder to cry on. Whatever you do, take my advice and not ask the dastardly "how are you feeling" question. Whether they show it or not, of course they are a upset--a person just died. No need asking questions with obvious answers.
While at lunch and even after I dropped her back off at the center, I started thinking about life and how it can be abruptly ended. I even started to type out a mass text to my friends, but then I stopped and found that it would be more fitting for me to express my thoughts in a blog. I didn't know Darrian, but I pray that his family finds comfort and peace in such a unimaginable situation.
Initially I was apprehensive, but I'm happy that I decided to take this trip with Fred so that I could be here for her. Going back, when I think about Darrian's death, I think about how important it is to appreciate life and the people that are in it. I don't tell my family and friends everyday, but I try to make an effort to show them how much I love and care for them.
To any of my close friends, and you know who you are, I love you and my life is wonderfully complicated, interesting, fun, and amazing because of you. You inspire and challenge me to be better and think better. You also challenge me to embrace my potential and strive for greatness. I couldn't imagine a me without you in my life. Thank you.
Should anyone that was close to Darrian read this, I'm truly sorry for your loss.
As a request and a reminder to even myself, please enjoy as much of your life as you can. Life is too short for pettiness and drama. Leave it and your pride at the back door. Tomorrow isn't promised, we aren't as invincible as we may think. Go out and see the world! Do what makes you happy, appreciate those that are close to you, and please express yourself to those that are close to you in the best way you possibly can.
With much love and adoration,
Jillian
"Girl, you can pick wherever. I'm not too hungry because I ate a late breakfast at the hotel."
We pull up to Zaxby's. As we walk in, the change in temperatures was evident--the air was frigidly cold. After Fred ordered and picked up her food, we sat in a booth and talked.
When someone close to you experiences a death, I've always found that the best way to show that person that you truly care is just to provide he or she with as much space as needed and offer your support. Also, it doesn't hurt to listen or to be the shoulder to cry on. Whatever you do, take my advice and not ask the dastardly "how are you feeling" question. Whether they show it or not, of course they are a upset--a person just died. No need asking questions with obvious answers.
While at lunch and even after I dropped her back off at the center, I started thinking about life and how it can be abruptly ended. I even started to type out a mass text to my friends, but then I stopped and found that it would be more fitting for me to express my thoughts in a blog. I didn't know Darrian, but I pray that his family finds comfort and peace in such a unimaginable situation.
Initially I was apprehensive, but I'm happy that I decided to take this trip with Fred so that I could be here for her. Going back, when I think about Darrian's death, I think about how important it is to appreciate life and the people that are in it. I don't tell my family and friends everyday, but I try to make an effort to show them how much I love and care for them.
To any of my close friends, and you know who you are, I love you and my life is wonderfully complicated, interesting, fun, and amazing because of you. You inspire and challenge me to be better and think better. You also challenge me to embrace my potential and strive for greatness. I couldn't imagine a me without you in my life. Thank you.
Should anyone that was close to Darrian read this, I'm truly sorry for your loss.
As a request and a reminder to even myself, please enjoy as much of your life as you can. Life is too short for pettiness and drama. Leave it and your pride at the back door. Tomorrow isn't promised, we aren't as invincible as we may think. Go out and see the world! Do what makes you happy, appreciate those that are close to you, and please express yourself to those that are close to you in the best way you possibly can.
With much love and adoration,
Jillian
The Death of Darrian Part 1
I woke up this morning only to find myself hacking up a lung due to some fate of sickness I think I've obtained from one of my pre-K children at camp. Surprisingly, after coughing up a few times I found that I felt remarkably better. I also could feel myself regaining some of my appetite which had been lost to honey lemon cough drops and cherry flavor Theraflu. Why not take advantage of the complimentary breakfast in the hotel? It's currently 9:30AM and the continental breakfast ends at 10AM. I hurriedly brush my teeth, and throw on my clothes. I take a hard look at my face in the mirror. Great, the pink is slowly returning back to my pale cheeks. I don't look as sickly and exhausted as I have these past few days. I walk out the door and rush into an empty lobby filled with aromas of freshly brewed coffee and scrambled eggs.
"Thank goodness... I can enjoy my breakfast in peace."
After making my waffle, I scoop a generous amount of eggs onto my plate and proceed to make my coffee. Once I'm satisfied with my breakfast selection I contemplate where to enjoy my food amongst the rows of table.
Finally, I decide to sit at a cozy looking two seater table over by the window. As I'm settling myself I hear the intro music to The View.
"Nothing like a battle between Hasselbeck and Whoopi to liven up a late morning breakfast."
****************
As I'm finishing up my morning coffee, I receive a phone call from my best friend.
"Girl, you up?"
"Yeah, I'm just finishing up my breakfast. What's up?"
"We are on a quick lunch break. I have to be back at the center a little after twelve, and the teacher expects us to be here, on time, so I'm coming to pick you up. Be outside, I'm three minutes away."
"No problem."
I look at my cell and notice that the time is 11:15AM. I throw away my coffee cup and walk back to the room to get my handbag and among other things my sanitizer as to not infect my friend. After stepping out the room, I make my way past the front desk and out the main entrance. The heat is excessive. As I start to make my silent prayer that my friend was as close as she stated, she quickly pulls her blue Chevy Cobalt around the corner.
As I get into the car, I notice the redness in her eyes, though her demeanor doesn't seem overly disheveled. Before I can say anything, she quickly pulls away from the hotel and says, "Freda called me earlier today and asked me if I knew what was going on with Darrian."
"Who is Darrian?"
"Wesley's brother. I didn't know what she was talking about, so I called Wesley and asked him what was going on. Wesley told me that Darrian was dead. I just asked him what he meant by that. Wesley then told me that Darrian was shot in the head in the driveway. I couldn't even ask him many questions because I could feel myself starting to cry and Wesley was so calm."
"What!? Do they know who it was?"
"They believe it was someone close."
"It has to be. Was he involved in anything?"
"Girl, I don't know, I couldn't ask anything because I was trying to keep it together."
Silence. Pause.
I looked at Fred and her eyes were filled to the brim, yet she still looked strong.
"Thank goodness... I can enjoy my breakfast in peace."
After making my waffle, I scoop a generous amount of eggs onto my plate and proceed to make my coffee. Once I'm satisfied with my breakfast selection I contemplate where to enjoy my food amongst the rows of table.
Finally, I decide to sit at a cozy looking two seater table over by the window. As I'm settling myself I hear the intro music to The View.
"Nothing like a battle between Hasselbeck and Whoopi to liven up a late morning breakfast."
****************
As I'm finishing up my morning coffee, I receive a phone call from my best friend.
"Girl, you up?"
"Yeah, I'm just finishing up my breakfast. What's up?"
"We are on a quick lunch break. I have to be back at the center a little after twelve, and the teacher expects us to be here, on time, so I'm coming to pick you up. Be outside, I'm three minutes away."
"No problem."
I look at my cell and notice that the time is 11:15AM. I throw away my coffee cup and walk back to the room to get my handbag and among other things my sanitizer as to not infect my friend. After stepping out the room, I make my way past the front desk and out the main entrance. The heat is excessive. As I start to make my silent prayer that my friend was as close as she stated, she quickly pulls her blue Chevy Cobalt around the corner.
As I get into the car, I notice the redness in her eyes, though her demeanor doesn't seem overly disheveled. Before I can say anything, she quickly pulls away from the hotel and says, "Freda called me earlier today and asked me if I knew what was going on with Darrian."
"Who is Darrian?"
"Wesley's brother. I didn't know what she was talking about, so I called Wesley and asked him what was going on. Wesley told me that Darrian was dead. I just asked him what he meant by that. Wesley then told me that Darrian was shot in the head in the driveway. I couldn't even ask him many questions because I could feel myself starting to cry and Wesley was so calm."
"What!? Do they know who it was?"
"They believe it was someone close."
"It has to be. Was he involved in anything?"
"Girl, I don't know, I couldn't ask anything because I was trying to keep it together."
Silence. Pause.
I looked at Fred and her eyes were filled to the brim, yet she still looked strong.
Tuesday, July 6, 2010
Underestimation Part 3
He said he was cool with everything. Simple enough and I'm satisfied with that. Quite honestly, I didn't expect for him to be as chill and mature about the situation as he was. I was amazed that he never treated me differently even though he knew how I felt this whole time. I find that it's easy for people to unexpectedly pull away when they discover that you have some sort of feelings for them and they feel the opposite. At that particular moment, I actually assumed that once I told him how I felt, it would alter the relationship that we currently had. I assumed that he would quit talking to me; I assumed that he would distance himself; I assumed that he would pretend that I didn't exist. None of those things happened. If anything, I felt that by finally admitting my feelings, the air was cleared, and that gray cloud of awkwardness that tends to permeate such atmospheres never surfaced. It was nice. I felt relieved. No, I didn't get what I wanted, but I didn't lose anything either in the process.
All in all, I learned somethings from this situation even though I feel that I'm at a different place with my friend, currently (this particular story took place a couple of weeks ago). I feel that it's best to always be honest and open with people when you start to feel something differently-- whether positive or negative. This could be in a relationship, friendship, whatever. I feel that in being honest and open, especially when the moment seems conducive, it saves a lot of time and hopefully cuts down on all the anticipation and wonder (at least in my case).
I also learned that there is nothing wrong with taking the time to get to know people. I've found that most serious relationships fail because we really didn't know what we were getting into in the beginning (in not all, but many circumstances). As John Legend says, "We're ordinary people, maybe we should take it slow..." Yes, some may put you in the "Friend Box", and sometimes you'll never come out, but maybe that isn't a bad thing. A good friend once told me that sometimes you have to go through a bunch of crappy relationships and hook-ups to realize what you have, or maybe even had, to begin with.
Furthermore, as I've mentioned before, I know how it feels to be burned by others because people change. Sometimes, we don't get the results we want. I feel that when things like this happen, surround yourself with positive people. Trust, it makes all of the difference.
At the end of the day, we are human. Some of us are more sensitive than others. No matter how strong we may act, normally, typically, it's just a front. It's just a mask. We aren't suppose to show that we are hurt, sad, dismayed, etc. Sometimes our friends, or maybe even society, expect us to quickly pretend that something or someone didn't exist. Sometimes, people just don't understand. Once again, find what gives you the most comfort in any given situation, and always try to anticipate your reaction, or the worse case of scenario in a given situation. If you know you can't handle "rejection" well, then you may want to consider if it's worth even saying how you feel. Sometimes, it best not knowing. Sometimes, it's best to just let things happen naturally (I struggle with this most). It's also possible for people's feelings to change. It's all in a days work. Just remember what I said. Stay honest, real, and true to yourself.
No matter the challenges or rejections, no matter the disappointments, no matter the numerous "Friend Boxes" you're placed in, never be scared to take a risk--never give up on love, and I truly mean that.
-Jill Renee
All in all, I learned somethings from this situation even though I feel that I'm at a different place with my friend, currently (this particular story took place a couple of weeks ago). I feel that it's best to always be honest and open with people when you start to feel something differently-- whether positive or negative. This could be in a relationship, friendship, whatever. I feel that in being honest and open, especially when the moment seems conducive, it saves a lot of time and hopefully cuts down on all the anticipation and wonder (at least in my case).
I also learned that there is nothing wrong with taking the time to get to know people. I've found that most serious relationships fail because we really didn't know what we were getting into in the beginning (in not all, but many circumstances). As John Legend says, "We're ordinary people, maybe we should take it slow..." Yes, some may put you in the "Friend Box", and sometimes you'll never come out, but maybe that isn't a bad thing. A good friend once told me that sometimes you have to go through a bunch of crappy relationships and hook-ups to realize what you have, or maybe even had, to begin with.
Furthermore, as I've mentioned before, I know how it feels to be burned by others because people change. Sometimes, we don't get the results we want. I feel that when things like this happen, surround yourself with positive people. Trust, it makes all of the difference.
At the end of the day, we are human. Some of us are more sensitive than others. No matter how strong we may act, normally, typically, it's just a front. It's just a mask. We aren't suppose to show that we are hurt, sad, dismayed, etc. Sometimes our friends, or maybe even society, expect us to quickly pretend that something or someone didn't exist. Sometimes, people just don't understand. Once again, find what gives you the most comfort in any given situation, and always try to anticipate your reaction, or the worse case of scenario in a given situation. If you know you can't handle "rejection" well, then you may want to consider if it's worth even saying how you feel. Sometimes, it best not knowing. Sometimes, it's best to just let things happen naturally (I struggle with this most). It's also possible for people's feelings to change. It's all in a days work. Just remember what I said. Stay honest, real, and true to yourself.
No matter the challenges or rejections, no matter the disappointments, no matter the numerous "Friend Boxes" you're placed in, never be scared to take a risk--never give up on love, and I truly mean that.
-Jill Renee
Saturday, July 3, 2010
Underestimation Part 2
After many conversations with a few good friends, I decided that instead of procrastinating my confession, I would take advantage of my next time out with my admirer, and if the opportunity presented itself, I would come out with it. Simple as that.
The night started out as it normally would. It was a very warm and starry evening. I, naturally, made sure that I looked as fabulous as I normally would when I take a night out downtown. Underneath all the glamour, I felt like a nervous wreck.
When we finally arrived at our destination, most of the night was as chill as it typically is when we go out. We conversed about religion and politics. We ranted about the ins and outs of our job. We briefly talked about our past relationships--I suppose the successes and failures. I think it was around that topic that I attempted to muster up the courage to say what I felt. I was a mess really. Nothing would come out! At that brief moment in time, my mind raced! Gah! I have no idea why I was so nervous! I mean, this shouldn't be too hard right? I think the whole part of the night that completely caught me off guard was this insane grin that he wore on his face. Like he knew.
After a matter of minutes, which, for me felt like hours, he interjected that he knew what I wanted to say. So then I would sheepishly mutter that there was no point in me saying what I have to say if he knew what I was feeling. To which, he replied that he wanted me to go ahead and say what I have say. Yes, we jokingly went back and forth for a few seconds.
I finally told him about this conversation that I had with one of my friends in which he was one of the central topics. By the end of the conversation, at that particular point of time, I came to the conclusion that I didn't have any feelings for him then because I didn't know him; however, that since then I felt that my feelings had changed. I stopped. I couldn't bring myself to say more, I couldn't bring myself to ask him out on a date or anything like that because of that stupid, insane grin he had on his face!
He responded by telling me that he had already known how I felt for him. When he said this, I was puzzled and a bit irritated! How could this be so?
He takes out his phone and shows me a text message that I typed perhaps a week or so ago. The text basically said that I was starting to develop feelings for him, but that I wanted to conceal those feelings for the time being.
If it was practical to inflect some sort of physical abuse to my body, I would have at the very moment--I wanted to slap myself. After reading this message, I laughed at the irony that is my life. My mind went blank for moments and amist all of the laughter, I hung my head with embarrassment. I made, what I had felt, a colossal error!
I have a friend that tended to send text messages to the very people she would be talking about, accidentally. I remember the many circumstances in which I would berate her for making such mistakes. How did I just do the same thing? Normally when I send out text messages, especially when they are about a certain subject, I'm meticulous about making sure I send it out to the right people. Once again, how did I make this mistake? Carelessness I suppose. I honestly think my subconscious is to blame.
I loathe it in the most loving way.
The night started out as it normally would. It was a very warm and starry evening. I, naturally, made sure that I looked as fabulous as I normally would when I take a night out downtown. Underneath all the glamour, I felt like a nervous wreck.
When we finally arrived at our destination, most of the night was as chill as it typically is when we go out. We conversed about religion and politics. We ranted about the ins and outs of our job. We briefly talked about our past relationships--I suppose the successes and failures. I think it was around that topic that I attempted to muster up the courage to say what I felt. I was a mess really. Nothing would come out! At that brief moment in time, my mind raced! Gah! I have no idea why I was so nervous! I mean, this shouldn't be too hard right? I think the whole part of the night that completely caught me off guard was this insane grin that he wore on his face. Like he knew.
After a matter of minutes, which, for me felt like hours, he interjected that he knew what I wanted to say. So then I would sheepishly mutter that there was no point in me saying what I have to say if he knew what I was feeling. To which, he replied that he wanted me to go ahead and say what I have say. Yes, we jokingly went back and forth for a few seconds.
I finally told him about this conversation that I had with one of my friends in which he was one of the central topics. By the end of the conversation, at that particular point of time, I came to the conclusion that I didn't have any feelings for him then because I didn't know him; however, that since then I felt that my feelings had changed. I stopped. I couldn't bring myself to say more, I couldn't bring myself to ask him out on a date or anything like that because of that stupid, insane grin he had on his face!
He responded by telling me that he had already known how I felt for him. When he said this, I was puzzled and a bit irritated! How could this be so?
He takes out his phone and shows me a text message that I typed perhaps a week or so ago. The text basically said that I was starting to develop feelings for him, but that I wanted to conceal those feelings for the time being.
If it was practical to inflect some sort of physical abuse to my body, I would have at the very moment--I wanted to slap myself. After reading this message, I laughed at the irony that is my life. My mind went blank for moments and amist all of the laughter, I hung my head with embarrassment. I made, what I had felt, a colossal error!
I have a friend that tended to send text messages to the very people she would be talking about, accidentally. I remember the many circumstances in which I would berate her for making such mistakes. How did I just do the same thing? Normally when I send out text messages, especially when they are about a certain subject, I'm meticulous about making sure I send it out to the right people. Once again, how did I make this mistake? Carelessness I suppose. I honestly think my subconscious is to blame.
I loathe it in the most loving way.
Wednesday, June 30, 2010
Underestimation Part 1
There are a many parts of life that I absolutely love. For this situation, I'll cover two. I love when life's very aspects that seem predictable, shatter my perceptions. I also love facing the unknown--taking risks. These very risks develop into some major/minor crossroads that usually develop and make up our experiences.
As I've written before, I felt that I was going through a somewhat usual, but common situation. Of course, I was steadily becoming interested with someone that I felt probably didn't share the same feelings. I had been experiencing an internal conflict with my predicament. Like I said in my last blog, I knew it was going to be hard to express myself because I knew that I was becoming good friends with my admirer. I worried that because we were developing a great friendship, I was locking myself into the "Friend Box". Eventually, I decided that I wasn't going to let my fear of being trapped in the friend box deter me from saying how I actually feel.
The consequences of my debauched confession were utterly surprising.
Some nights ago, I decided to confront my "dilemma". Before making this decision, I of course tried to predict every possible outcome as realistically as I could. I knew I was risking many factors: number one, (a grave concern to me) ruining my friendship--which I knew I absolutely did not want to do; two, I thought that there could be a small chance that he could possibly feel the same for me (a really SMALL, TINY, SPECK of a chance); three, he would avoid me like the plague and (this goes without saying) treat me differently because of how I felt. Ultimately, I had to ask myself that even in considering all the plausible circumstances, is it worth it? Because of how I felt and because I didn't want to go through my life wondering "what if", I decided that I had to express my feelings.
Just to quickly interject, I always admire people that take emotional risks in life, considering the situation. It's really hard to tell people how you feel because... well let's just face it, we make ourselves vulnerable. Sometimes, we're burned or hurt so badly when we take such risks, that we begin to question the very thing(s) that prompted us to even fathom our decisions, such as deciding to confess our feelings, or deciding to jump into a relationship. When our risks don't produce favorable outcomes or positive experiences, we begin to live our lives in apprehension for fear of being hurt or disappointed. Personally, I hate feeling embarrassed, idiotic, and/or naive. Many people have made me feel that way at various points of my life.
I think I've learned from my mistakes in the past, and I came to realize that should my admirer not respect my feelings--should he make me feel ashamed or embarrassed, I shouldn't have him in my life. THE END. Flat out, I'm too old for games. I'm too old to associate myself with individuals that can't handle themselves maturely. I'm too old and I've worked too hard to let anyone make me feel like a fool because of my expressions.
So I took the plunge.
As I've written before, I felt that I was going through a somewhat usual, but common situation. Of course, I was steadily becoming interested with someone that I felt probably didn't share the same feelings. I had been experiencing an internal conflict with my predicament. Like I said in my last blog, I knew it was going to be hard to express myself because I knew that I was becoming good friends with my admirer. I worried that because we were developing a great friendship, I was locking myself into the "Friend Box". Eventually, I decided that I wasn't going to let my fear of being trapped in the friend box deter me from saying how I actually feel.
The consequences of my debauched confession were utterly surprising.
Some nights ago, I decided to confront my "dilemma". Before making this decision, I of course tried to predict every possible outcome as realistically as I could. I knew I was risking many factors: number one, (a grave concern to me) ruining my friendship--which I knew I absolutely did not want to do; two, I thought that there could be a small chance that he could possibly feel the same for me (a really SMALL, TINY, SPECK of a chance); three, he would avoid me like the plague and (this goes without saying) treat me differently because of how I felt. Ultimately, I had to ask myself that even in considering all the plausible circumstances, is it worth it? Because of how I felt and because I didn't want to go through my life wondering "what if", I decided that I had to express my feelings.
Just to quickly interject, I always admire people that take emotional risks in life, considering the situation. It's really hard to tell people how you feel because... well let's just face it, we make ourselves vulnerable. Sometimes, we're burned or hurt so badly when we take such risks, that we begin to question the very thing(s) that prompted us to even fathom our decisions, such as deciding to confess our feelings, or deciding to jump into a relationship. When our risks don't produce favorable outcomes or positive experiences, we begin to live our lives in apprehension for fear of being hurt or disappointed. Personally, I hate feeling embarrassed, idiotic, and/or naive. Many people have made me feel that way at various points of my life.
I think I've learned from my mistakes in the past, and I came to realize that should my admirer not respect my feelings--should he make me feel ashamed or embarrassed, I shouldn't have him in my life. THE END. Flat out, I'm too old for games. I'm too old to associate myself with individuals that can't handle themselves maturely. I'm too old and I've worked too hard to let anyone make me feel like a fool because of my expressions.
So I took the plunge.
Tuesday, June 22, 2010
The Friend Box Part 2
As I said previously, my approach was askew. Once I realized that I had to put myself in check, I began to create an improved point of view to dating. First, I decided that I really needed to get to know a guy before I even think that there is an inkling of a chance of a relationship. Just as a general question, how can you know that you want a relationship with someone if you don't know anything about him or her? I don't think its possible really. So, to get back to the subject of the title of my blog, I thought it was important that I develop a meaningful friendship with any man I decide to be with. I soon came to the realization that this type of thinking has also landed me in trouble. Let me explain why.
First, I had this larger-than-life crush on my best friend. I'm sure it's happen to many people. The person you spend the most time with and feel most comfortable with, is bound to be the person you think you can truly connect to on different levels. Well, eventually I decided to tell my best friend that I really wanted a relationship with him. He informed me that he liked me as just a friend. Ok. I can accept that, not that I have a choice anyway.
After many discussions later, my best friend told me that for him, once he views you as a friend and he puts you in that box, or shall I say category, it's hard for him to view you as otherwise. I was confused and still am perplexed about his ideology.
A period of time later, I've started to develop an interest for someone else. To make a long story short, my current interest has dated a lot and has only had two serious relationships. Furthermore, he's never dated a friend, nor has he ever considered it--not that he is opposed to the idea. I guess the opportunity has never presented itself?
Ok, again.
Now, he doesn't know my feelings for him because I'm waiting for an appropriate time to tell him. I also want to still get to know him. After hearing the above, I was kinda concerned. He considers me his friend, and I the same; however, could I possibly be screwing up my chances by being his friend? The whole thing is quite baffling because I always thought that the most successful relationships came from two people who considered each other as best friends. And shouldn't that person you strive to date be a good friend to you? How can you be anything else when you can't even manage to be friends to begin with? I know I'm throwing out a lot of questions, but I'm really perplexed. Is it that we, as a society, are in too big of a rush to jump into relationships without truly dating and getting to know each other first? Are we scared of being single?
Of course I shall keep one and all updated on the outcome of my dilemma (if there even is one). I would just like some answers because I'm confused about how men approach relationships.
Is it possible to get out of the friend box and how do we do that?
Confusingly yours,
Jillian
First, I had this larger-than-life crush on my best friend. I'm sure it's happen to many people. The person you spend the most time with and feel most comfortable with, is bound to be the person you think you can truly connect to on different levels. Well, eventually I decided to tell my best friend that I really wanted a relationship with him. He informed me that he liked me as just a friend. Ok. I can accept that, not that I have a choice anyway.
After many discussions later, my best friend told me that for him, once he views you as a friend and he puts you in that box, or shall I say category, it's hard for him to view you as otherwise. I was confused and still am perplexed about his ideology.
A period of time later, I've started to develop an interest for someone else. To make a long story short, my current interest has dated a lot and has only had two serious relationships. Furthermore, he's never dated a friend, nor has he ever considered it--not that he is opposed to the idea. I guess the opportunity has never presented itself?
Ok, again.
Now, he doesn't know my feelings for him because I'm waiting for an appropriate time to tell him. I also want to still get to know him. After hearing the above, I was kinda concerned. He considers me his friend, and I the same; however, could I possibly be screwing up my chances by being his friend? The whole thing is quite baffling because I always thought that the most successful relationships came from two people who considered each other as best friends. And shouldn't that person you strive to date be a good friend to you? How can you be anything else when you can't even manage to be friends to begin with? I know I'm throwing out a lot of questions, but I'm really perplexed. Is it that we, as a society, are in too big of a rush to jump into relationships without truly dating and getting to know each other first? Are we scared of being single?
Of course I shall keep one and all updated on the outcome of my dilemma (if there even is one). I would just like some answers because I'm confused about how men approach relationships.
Is it possible to get out of the friend box and how do we do that?
Confusingly yours,
Jillian
The Friend Box Part 1
I want to start this out by first saying that boys are utterly confusing. Really. Let me preface this blog by first saying that I'm not trying to bash men. Not at all. I love men. I especially love men that have their act together and know exactly what they want. No games, no frills. Just a pipping hot dish of honesty with a side of individuality. What does this all mean and what does the title of my blog imply?
Well for starters, I've never had good luck with men and I'll be first to say that my dating life is practically non existent. I think that this is largely attributed to the fact that I've chosen the wrong type of men to even consider. For some reason, I have a strange feeling if any male should be reading this, he would probably be rolling his eyes at this point. Remember though, in my first blog I said I would try to stay as honest as possible, and when I look back at my past, I really feel that the individuals that I wanted something with, I chose for the wrong reasons. My demise was partly my fault because my approach was askew. Yes, I will take some blame. In the past I've tended to approach relationships from the physical stance instead of the emotional, or shall I say, friendship stance. When I was younger, I had this belief that in order for me to gain a guy's attention, I had to present some sort of physical compromise. Why I had this foolish ideology? I have no idea. I suppose I could blame it on society, but then again, I should have known better. To be more specific, I thought that in order to "reel" in a guy I had to present a sort of friends-with-benefits type of deal. I thought that if I could connect with a guy physically, then hopefully everything else will fall into place. Yes, I've burned myself a few times thinking that I could pull off this sort of lifestyle and pop out with a boyfriend at the end of the day. This leads me to the whole concept of the friends with benefits conundrum. Simply put, its rarely ever successful. Beware of this! Needless to say, I had to be honest with myself and realize that this type of lifestyle is not me--not to speak badly on others that can pull it off. I just can't.
After much consulting with myself and really getting in tuned with my needs, I realized that I really want a wholesome relationship. I also learned a few other things along the way. Like, guys don't want girls that can easily be had. They want someone that they can connect with, and someone that is more of a challenge. Perhaps in another blog, I will elaborate. After really grasping my discoveries and maturing my thought processes, I decided that I needed a fresh start.
Well for starters, I've never had good luck with men and I'll be first to say that my dating life is practically non existent. I think that this is largely attributed to the fact that I've chosen the wrong type of men to even consider. For some reason, I have a strange feeling if any male should be reading this, he would probably be rolling his eyes at this point. Remember though, in my first blog I said I would try to stay as honest as possible, and when I look back at my past, I really feel that the individuals that I wanted something with, I chose for the wrong reasons. My demise was partly my fault because my approach was askew. Yes, I will take some blame. In the past I've tended to approach relationships from the physical stance instead of the emotional, or shall I say, friendship stance. When I was younger, I had this belief that in order for me to gain a guy's attention, I had to present some sort of physical compromise. Why I had this foolish ideology? I have no idea. I suppose I could blame it on society, but then again, I should have known better. To be more specific, I thought that in order to "reel" in a guy I had to present a sort of friends-with-benefits type of deal. I thought that if I could connect with a guy physically, then hopefully everything else will fall into place. Yes, I've burned myself a few times thinking that I could pull off this sort of lifestyle and pop out with a boyfriend at the end of the day. This leads me to the whole concept of the friends with benefits conundrum. Simply put, its rarely ever successful. Beware of this! Needless to say, I had to be honest with myself and realize that this type of lifestyle is not me--not to speak badly on others that can pull it off. I just can't.
After much consulting with myself and really getting in tuned with my needs, I realized that I really want a wholesome relationship. I also learned a few other things along the way. Like, guys don't want girls that can easily be had. They want someone that they can connect with, and someone that is more of a challenge. Perhaps in another blog, I will elaborate. After really grasping my discoveries and maturing my thought processes, I decided that I needed a fresh start.
Monday, June 21, 2010
The Summer Days of June
My summer break has been anything but a break. Currently, I'm working as a camp counselor and I have actually come to have a very lofty love/hate relationship with it. A few benefits of working my job are that I mentor/guide an amazing bunch of kids. I'm able to live on my college campus. I'm also able to develop some amazing friendships. My amazing kids are somewhat an usual case. Of course when you work in a program structured just for rising juniors and seniors, there is bound to be a type of living perfectly fit for a reality show program. Really, can I contact MTV, VH1, or Fox perhaps? Despite the fact that some of them may disturb my spirit in many ways, I ultimately enjoy their company. It's amazing how much I can see myself in some of my children. For instance, I've beheld glimpses into what use to be my naivety, curiousness, and a bit of conceit.
Oh to be a high schooler... Those are definitely times I'm more than happy to not re-live, and I'm sure that most of you can agree.
I've often heard people refer to their high school days as their "glory" years. I've found that those that have succumbed to such confusions have wasted away most of their own adult years. Now, let's not misconstrue my mentality. It is very possible to miss certain experiences and aspects of high school. Personally, I miss conversing with some of my peers, traveling to various band competitions (yes, I was the ultimate band geek), and the rebellious thrill of sneakily talking to boys knowing that if caught, my mother would literally slit my throat. I miss the teeming football games that inevitably collided with the smells of concession food and swirls of the fall night air. Although these memories seem full of all the right fluffiness that could be described for days, it's abruptly halted by bittersweet thoughts of my teenage naivety. I was the very epitome of an ignorant adolescent. I thought my mother was out to make my life utterly miserable, so I acted out in ways that I ( when looking back) regret. I also spent more time focusing on my social life than my academics, although, I was every bit of an honor student.
To pull this blog back full circle, my kids, while they are here, are my life. I've found myself wanting them to be as successful as possible, but then I see that many lack the seriousness and drive that it takes to be successful through college. How can I judge though? How imprudent was I? How selfish was I? I think that this experience has truly taught me that it's important to stress the importance of tolerance and unity among my future students when I start teaching. I'm reminded that although a big part of being a teenager is to possess the "invincibility" attitude, it's also recognizing that you truly don't know everything. I suppose that actuality will eventually come in life after the fairy tale ends, and all the tings that molded you as a child start to melt away.
I suppose a bit of my nurturing side wants my students to safely soak up every bit of life like a dry sponge. I want them to resist the mindless drama and discover that they can teach each other if they are willing. Ultimately, the reality is that they must, just as I, hit their own brick wall.
That isn't a terrible thing.
-J
Oh to be a high schooler... Those are definitely times I'm more than happy to not re-live, and I'm sure that most of you can agree.
I've often heard people refer to their high school days as their "glory" years. I've found that those that have succumbed to such confusions have wasted away most of their own adult years. Now, let's not misconstrue my mentality. It is very possible to miss certain experiences and aspects of high school. Personally, I miss conversing with some of my peers, traveling to various band competitions (yes, I was the ultimate band geek), and the rebellious thrill of sneakily talking to boys knowing that if caught, my mother would literally slit my throat. I miss the teeming football games that inevitably collided with the smells of concession food and swirls of the fall night air. Although these memories seem full of all the right fluffiness that could be described for days, it's abruptly halted by bittersweet thoughts of my teenage naivety. I was the very epitome of an ignorant adolescent. I thought my mother was out to make my life utterly miserable, so I acted out in ways that I ( when looking back) regret. I also spent more time focusing on my social life than my academics, although, I was every bit of an honor student.
To pull this blog back full circle, my kids, while they are here, are my life. I've found myself wanting them to be as successful as possible, but then I see that many lack the seriousness and drive that it takes to be successful through college. How can I judge though? How imprudent was I? How selfish was I? I think that this experience has truly taught me that it's important to stress the importance of tolerance and unity among my future students when I start teaching. I'm reminded that although a big part of being a teenager is to possess the "invincibility" attitude, it's also recognizing that you truly don't know everything. I suppose that actuality will eventually come in life after the fairy tale ends, and all the tings that molded you as a child start to melt away.
I suppose a bit of my nurturing side wants my students to safely soak up every bit of life like a dry sponge. I want them to resist the mindless drama and discover that they can teach each other if they are willing. Ultimately, the reality is that they must, just as I, hit their own brick wall.
That isn't a terrible thing.
-J
Monday, June 14, 2010
i think i'm ready
I've been motivated and inspired to start journaling again. I stopped sometime around my freshman year of college, I believe... perhaps even earlier. Needless to say, I felt this urge to start writing again, though my grammar tends to be atrocious. The unfortunate irony of this is that I recently graudated with a degree in Enlgish education. The way I see it, I'm entitled to make mistakes with this journal. Some intentional, Some not. This isn't intended to be anything formal, so yes, your criticisms aren't needed. I don't need for you to implicate me with the obvious.
Despite my "unique" writing style, I think my desire to write began with my frequent writing of letters to one of my dearest friends during any downtime I received in and outside of school. Anytime I had something on my mind I would write a letter to Mollee. The odd thing about this, however, is that she has yet to receive anything I have written. This ridiculousness is attributed to my age old forgetfulness at, soon-to-be 24 (I'm expecting to have arthritis at any moment now). I've hoped that procrastination would decide to give me a break and allow me to compile my ramblings, wrapped with some sort of simple colored ribbon. Mind you, I knew that presenting letters to Mollee would be something someone would seldom appreciate. Mollee, being the aspiring English graduate that she is, embodies the very qualities that make up someone that shares a passion for reading and writing. I knew she would love to read my writing now matter how awful, how confusing, or maybe even how extradordinary it may potentially be. I figured to pay honor to such enthusiasm; I would pay a subtle tribute to her by entitling my journal as such.
Another prevalent motivator is my dear friend Ashley Smith. After reading one of her blogs, I felt that her expressions, passions, feelings and irriatations had a great affect on me. Of course I have to interject by encouraging any and all persons to read her blogs at: http://blackdiamond2008.blogspot.com/ Trust, you will relate to something she expresses. I can only hope to be as fluid, expressive, and honest.
I hope that those reading, no matter how few or how many, understand that the intention of this journal is not for mere entertainment, althought to find humor or something utterly hysteric in the complexity of my life is bound to happen. I welcome the occasion. I intend to write as much as I can while the motivation still beckons my attention. I need to vent... to express my ideologies as means of finding some understanding about my thought processes and actions, as well as to shed some light on how even the strangest, or minor of person I encouter, adds some fascination or possibly even "horror" to my life. With that being said, I welcome any advice/response on any entry I type. If I wrote anything that surprisingly moved you, connected with you, or concerned you, I am interested in knowing.
I think I'm ready for this journey--no matter how ridculous or exciting it may be. Welcome to my life, buckle up.
-Jill
Despite my "unique" writing style, I think my desire to write began with my frequent writing of letters to one of my dearest friends during any downtime I received in and outside of school. Anytime I had something on my mind I would write a letter to Mollee. The odd thing about this, however, is that she has yet to receive anything I have written. This ridiculousness is attributed to my age old forgetfulness at, soon-to-be 24 (I'm expecting to have arthritis at any moment now). I've hoped that procrastination would decide to give me a break and allow me to compile my ramblings, wrapped with some sort of simple colored ribbon. Mind you, I knew that presenting letters to Mollee would be something someone would seldom appreciate. Mollee, being the aspiring English graduate that she is, embodies the very qualities that make up someone that shares a passion for reading and writing. I knew she would love to read my writing now matter how awful, how confusing, or maybe even how extradordinary it may potentially be. I figured to pay honor to such enthusiasm; I would pay a subtle tribute to her by entitling my journal as such.
Another prevalent motivator is my dear friend Ashley Smith. After reading one of her blogs, I felt that her expressions, passions, feelings and irriatations had a great affect on me. Of course I have to interject by encouraging any and all persons to read her blogs at: http://blackdiamond2008.blogspot.com/ Trust, you will relate to something she expresses. I can only hope to be as fluid, expressive, and honest.
I hope that those reading, no matter how few or how many, understand that the intention of this journal is not for mere entertainment, althought to find humor or something utterly hysteric in the complexity of my life is bound to happen. I welcome the occasion. I intend to write as much as I can while the motivation still beckons my attention. I need to vent... to express my ideologies as means of finding some understanding about my thought processes and actions, as well as to shed some light on how even the strangest, or minor of person I encouter, adds some fascination or possibly even "horror" to my life. With that being said, I welcome any advice/response on any entry I type. If I wrote anything that surprisingly moved you, connected with you, or concerned you, I am interested in knowing.
I think I'm ready for this journey--no matter how ridculous or exciting it may be. Welcome to my life, buckle up.
-Jill
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